Finally….A Summer Update

The longer I’ve waited to post, the harder I’ve felt this has been. I went through having zero ideas, to so many ideas-good and bad. And here I am, just wanting to say SOMETHING. I’m a writer, who hasn’t really written in months. Is that normal? I suppose not.

Hi all. I hope someone is still listening. This has been a long time coming, and quite frankly I was hoping to come back with some fun, fancy, well-crafted story or work of art. But it’s just not coming, so instead, I’m going to just speak my truth. Hopefully you can relate.

It’s been quite a long few months since I last posted, and yes when I look back at old posts, I have definitely written many posts similar to this. Being a creative soul is thrilling and fun, until it isn’t. Creativity isn’t always guaranteed. I haven’t posted at all this summer. There are a lot of reasons why, but the number one reason is because well…I just haven’t felt inspired or motivated to do so. 

You know when your favorite YouTuber goes MIA for a while, because they just haven’t been happy with any of their content. That’s how I feel.

I hit these walls where I feel like my life is at a standstill and instead of doing something to change it, I internalize and my mind becomes a ball of anxious thoughts unable to move myself forward. A vessel just going through the motions. I have a really hard time being present in the moment. I’m constantly over thinking everything. It is the most daunting feeling. My mind gets clouded and unfortunately creativity gets pushed to the side. Which is bizarre because I know this is the time when I need it most, to pull me out of my slump. 

Creativity can be an incredible outlet for stress, but sometimes I just choose to ignore the issue and let days pass me by. Filling my time within mindless tasks.  

I wish I had some big revelation for myself. I wish I had some inspirational advice to share about how I’ve just been too busy living life to post, but unfortunately that is just not the case.

I have a case of the summer funk. And I honestly can’t wait for it to be fall. 

The air is crisp.

The fashion is cooler.

The colors are gorgeous. 

And let’s face it, there is a plethora of pumpkin.

Here’s to breaking the silence and powering through. 

I’m going to end this with a quote from one of my Writer’s Corners from back in 2015. It’s amazing how the words still hold truth for me:

“Giving up on that dream [of being a writer] is not in my line of vision. It can’t be. I don’t think my brain or sanity could take it. Too many stories to tell. So when the walls start caving in and you feel like you’re going to emotionally explode, get out of your head. And get out of your own way. And just do what you do best. Write. Because writers feel things deeper than most, and when we tell those stories, someone out there in the universe is going to get it, and feel gotten. Keep fighting, keep striving, and know that there is always a safe place for the written word here on Michelle Leigh Writes. Soldier on my friends.”- Michelle Leigh Writes * Writer’s Corner * “Get out of your own way”

 

**While you wait for new stories…feel free to browse my Short Story Collection HERE

 

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Hi, I’m still here…

People, people, people…how the heck are ya?

I can once again apologize for being MIA/inconsistent and follow it up with a whole “I’m back” spiel. But I just wouldn’t be telling the truth. I’ve been all over the place, I can’t even remember what I was doing  a few weeks ago. This year is flying by and I can’t even believe we are already in April.

There are many reasons for my inconsistencies here on this blog. I always attempt to stick to a Monday/Thursday post schedule, but now I’m lucky if I get one post up a week, I get really super duper lucky if I get two up even on any random two days. That’s kind of why you’ll see a random Sunday post pop up, or a Tuesday post sneak in. Because I just so happened to have some time to do it that day. To be honest, I haven’t been writing much at all. And I just realized how much I’ve missed it.

Needless to say, I still haven’t gotten back into it. I stand in front of a classroom asking students to write and trying to inspire their creativity and yet I feel like a hypocrite because I myself feel so uninspired.

In February I hit a slump. And it pretty much lasted all through March too. The goals and ideas I had in the beginning of the year went out the window, and the promises I made to myself soon became forgotten.

I guess you can say that’s normal right? We often leave our resolutions in the dust of the January’s left over glitter.

But this felt different.

It felt like I was just constantly going through the motions of what I had to do. Then I got hit with a period of time where I was sick on an off for weeks. First I was treated for a sinus infection. Then after a bunch of back and forth between my doctor and urgent care, I was finally treated for the flu (as a precaution) and strep throat. To say I was done was an understatement. I was taking so many different medications and constantly feeling like I wasn’t present, feeling like my chest was so heavy and like I couldn’t breathe right. I stayed in bed for most of my days. I was even sick for my 27th Birthday. Super fun. Side Note: My mom did make me a kick ass chicken and waffles dinner though, which I was happy I at least got to taste a little. On top of it all, mother nature decided to rain on my pity parade and grace me with her presence.

So I was a mess. I was emotional, I was sick, I didn’t feel well physically or mentally. And because of all of that my anxiety was in full force, I felt like I was going insane. I just didn’t feel like myself for weeks. I really felt like I was spiraling into this weird depression, where I felt like there was something really wrong with me. Soon enough I started to come out of it and even though I’m not 100% out of my funk, I can safely say I feel 100% better than I did a few weeks ago. It’s so crazy the things that your mind can put you through. I was so frustrated at how I was feeling, because I knew the rationality was that I was sick and on medication and dealing with lady problems (lol) and I knew it was just the combination that was making me feel funky. My brain kept telling me not to make such a big deal of it all. People get sick, you’ll be better in a week. But my anxiety turned it into so much more. 

I recently had off of work so I tried to cram a bunch of things into my week. Including meeting up with a few friends. And out of all the ladies that I spoke with, we all were feeling the same way. Stressed, anxious, unlike ourselves. And it got me thinking…you are never alone in what you feel. There is always someone who has felt or is feeling what you have/are feeling. 

When you deal with anxiety, you become this prisoner in your own mind. As my friend put it, you start to live in your head. And although the mind is a beautiful, powerful thing, it can also be something that can literally break you down and tear you apart because it’s so powerful.

So that brings me to my next point. Seasonal depression is a thing.

Seasonal Depression is also known as –Seasonal affective disorder– A mood disorder characterized by depression that occurs at the same time every year.

*Usually self-diagnosable
*Symptoms include: fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal.
*People may experience:
Mood: anxiety, apathy, general discontent, loneliness, loss of interest, mood swings, or sadness
Sleep: excess sleepiness, insomnia, or sleep deprivation
Whole body: appetite changes or fatigue
Behavioral: irritability or social isolation
Also common: depression, lack of concentration, or weight gain

And when it comes to the Winter season (especially in New York) you can gather how many people may be experiencing this. It stays cold and dark out longer, there’s less opportunities to go out and experience sunlight. Often people stay in doors to avoid the cold temperatures or the snow. You know the snow that falls in March and April when it should be Spring. And your social life becomes sullen. Your left with isolation at times and if you deal with anxiety- your worry sets in and you begin to drown in your racing thoughts. Not to mention that NY whether is so unpredictable that you could be thinking Spring is right around the corner, wearing light jackets and then it snows and you need a winter coat again in a day.  That’s enough to put anyone’s body in shock and confusion. Not to mention that the flu season this year has been atrocious. EVERYONE has been getting sick. Gosh, I really thought I was going to escape it, I usually have a strong immune system. But in general my anxiety has peeked these past few months and I imagine that left me a little more susceptible. Never the less, I am slowly, but surely coming out of my funk, and I am finally starting to feel like myself again, and it is time I try to manage my time wisely.

So I won’t make any promises here. I am actually going to just say now that the Monday/Thursday schedule is on hold for now. I will try my best to at least post once a week. I just have a lot going on with weddings, and showers, and family and work and I realize I can’t always be perfect at doing it all at once. And that’s okay. We all could benefit from giving ourselves a little grace at times. At the end of the day, you can only try your best.

But as I said before, I do miss writing, so I’m hoping to make it more of a priority for me. 

Talk soon.

xo Michelle 

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A little bit of everything…

Hi friends,

I have to admit there’s a lack of inspiration for me right now. Maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s laziness, or stress. I don’t know. But I’m in a funk and I just need to work through it. It’ll pass, I know it will. It always does.

But in the mean time, I don’t want to slack on this blog either so…let’s chat.

I’ve been thinking about where my life is going, lately. A lot of reflection is creeping in, and not exactly warranted. I say that because I’d kind of rather not go there. Because I know along with that reflection will come some harsh realities. Things I need to be working harder on. The list is long. And I have a tendency to really overthink and get myself all anxious which is of no use, because then I tend to retreat and shut down, getting nothing done.

When I think back to how hopeful the new year seemed, and where I am now, it seems like too different worlds. But I think that’s kind of how it always is. I make these big grand lists of things I want to change or do or accomplish and then I lose track and momentum and end up falling into old habits. I know we all do it, but I just wish I could avoid getting into these slumps. They suck.

Granted I think I have made some progress in personal growth this year so far, but I still think there are a lot of things I could be doing to feel even better about my life and where I’m heading.

I just turned 26 and so naturally, I’m thinking about my future and what I want for myself. I want to be a writer for television and film. And yet I’m still in a part-time job, it’s writing and film related but not a career for me. I want to get married and have children and start a family some day, and yet I’m still single and living home. It’s difficult when you start to look at your family and friends around you and suddenly feel like you missed something. Did I miss the course in life planning? Because I feel so far behind. It’s so easy for me to compare myself to them. So many people around me are getting engaged, married, pregnant. And here I am, doing the same ole same.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself. If anything I feel like I’m kicking myself for not being more of a risk taker. I don’t hate my life. I don’t hate my job. (I actually really enjoy it!) I don’t hate being single. But I just know there’s more I want out of life. But where I am, is safe and comfortable. I’m content. But I’m not. Does that make any sense?

It’s like I reflect and feel like I’m missing so much. I’m not going for it. But then I look at where I’ve come from a few years ago, and I feel like I’ve tackled a lot of my anxiety. But now there are new challenges I must tackle, in order to allow myself to step into the next chapter of my life. And I think that’s realizing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and start accepting change. I’ve spoken about my fear of change HERE on this blog.

I was in church a few weeks ago, and I remember the priest giving his sermon and saying how God does not work on time. We work on time. But God doesn’t. So if we are asking for something and we want it to happen right now and it doesn’t, that does not mean it won’t. It just means that God knows it’s not the right “time,” and therefore maybe your not ready yet.

So I think I’m going to keep that little tidbit in my back pocket, for when I start to stress out about the future. And I hope if you can relate to this stress and fear of change that you hold onto this little fact too. Things will happen when they are supposed to. I know there are so many uncertainties; career, relationships, etc. But I have to just trust that God’s got me. He knows what’s in my heart and what it wants and when the “time” is right all will fall into place. I just need to do some rearranging and prioritizing on my end. Wish me luck! 😉

To my fellow 20 somethings, Don’t Stop Believing!

xo

Michelle Leigh

 

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