A little thing called fear


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Fear;

a mind playing game,

to conquer my days,

in it’s selfish ways.

When clouds loom,

threatening to rain down on me.

I look above to the one who holds the key.

The one who shelters me from the storm inside my mind.

Who never lets me go.

The god that my heart calls home.

Thank you for forgiving my wandering soul.

 

 

*I do not take credit for the image/quote used in the image.*

 

-<3-

#BLOGTOBER Day 11- MLW Halloween Themed Shorts Collection

Over the past 5 years I’ve had this blog, I have written a number of Shorts/Story Series. And within those, there are a few that come to mind during this time of year. Two are more horror based, one is more romantic based. I usually write drama/mystery/romance So the horror was a fun segway to try. 

Cloaked in the Night

cloaked-in-the-nightThis is a story I wrote inspired by a walk home, where I saw a creepy skeleton decoration. And the idea of it coming to life, hit me and this story was born. I think everyone has felt that fear of walking home alone, late at night. Everything around you suddenly feels eerie. 

Summary: For this young character, well she was just running out to grab some ice cream one night…

*Read HERE

The Halloween Party

halloween-party

Summary: This one is more on the romantic side. Jared has always had a thing for his best friend Maddie. When she recently gets her heart broken just before her favorite holiday, she decides it’s time for some changes. And Jared finally decides it’s time to confess his feelings for her…will Jared get the girl he’s always dreamed of or will Maddie’s ex get in the way? 

*Read HERE

RED THIRST
red thirstThis story was super weird! LOL. I honestly don’t know where it came from. I knew I wanted to write something scary and it just kind of snowballed into this freakshow of a story. But I wanted it to be different. It become this sexy, scary story [hence the parental advisory stamp!] and even when I read it back I feel like it’s nothing like I would typically write. So I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone for this one. But hey ,we have to do that sometimes, right?

Summary: What was supposed to be a fun night out with friends turns into Clara’s worst nightmare as she encounters a handsome bartender named Christian. And the color red takes on a whole new meaning.  

*Read HERE

 

ENJOY!

Maybe I’ll have a new Fall/Halloween inspired story coming soon!

*I do not take credit for any images used in my edits.*

-<3-

Fear of not being liked…

Hi all.

I don’t even know if anyone follows me closely enough here at michelle leigh writes to know or care that I’ve been gone for quite some time. But numbers, they don’t matter much to me. I know, that the universe will place my words into the lives of the people who need it, or who can relate to it. I have faith.

But it has been a while- a little over a month since my last post. I‘ve been overwhelmed with a lot of things lately, and just making my family and friends my priority.

But every now and then, the creative soul in me starts to feel neglected. My writer’s hand, starts to twitch. That being said, I’ve felt this way for quite a bit, but yet every time I try to sit and write something, nothing suitable comes. It’s either too personal, or I don’t get past the first few words. Night after night has gone by and I struggle with the typical creative soul dilemma- do I write something, anything, to just have something to post. Or do I wait until it’s what I want. Wait until it’s “perfect.” But we all know how that goes. 

So I’m coming to you now, with a little bit of honesty and self reflection. I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. For probably my whole life. So I thought I’d share.

I have this need to please people. To be liked, by everyone. I understand that is unrealistic, but it’s my truth. The idea of someone talking about me in a negative way causes me incredible anxiety. I’m an anxious person to begin with. I’m a sensitive personality. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I constantly question myself, I overanalyze everything I say, or do. And it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap at people for no good reason, sometimes I over react. Sometimes I say things without thinking. The list goes on. And it’s not intentional, it’s human. 

It makes me angry that I feel like I have to fit into this box. Other people’s version of perfection. I care so much about what other people think. And because of that I think that hinders, my ability to let myself grow and become the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. It makes me question myself, why I do what I do, if I do it because I genuinely want to or because I feel like it’ll make me look or be perceived a certain way. Or something even more simpler, I won’t wear a certain thing, in fear that someone will judge it or make fun of me for it. I won’t chime into a conversation if I feel like someone will question me or judge what I have to say. I hate confrontation. The idea of someone getting hurt because of me, pains me more than when I get hurt myself. Because I know what it’s like to feel hurt and I am empathetic sometimes to a fault. I am constantly apologizing for being myself. And I just don’t feel like that’s ok. People are not perfect. I am not perfect. 

I don’t necessarily know why I am this way. I guess its just the way I’m wired. But I can’t seem to shake it. And it SUCKS. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming and I criticize myself into an anxious mess. 

At the root of everything, at the core, in my heart I know I have so much potential. I know I can do so much more than I am doing. I know I’m still discovering the dreams I hold deep in my heart. I know I’m a good hearted person just trying my best to get through each day. I’ve been fearful, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been anxious and not wanting to change. I’ve been scared to disappoint people or hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been human.  

Usually I end these rants with some silver lining, some hopeful anecdote. Some kind of pep talk. But this is something I am still struggling with, I can’t undo this in a day, a month, or even a year. This is something I need to continuously work on. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with this too?

Do you have to be liked by everyone? How do you react to confrontation?

-<3-

 

 

 

Summer Time Changes- Let’s Talk

summer-tag-copy[1]I think it’s safe to say, Summer is here and kicking. The 4th is tomorrow and that right there is the epitome of Summer to me. The weather is hot, school is out and life becomes this different existence. Everything is slightly more laid back- or at least it’s supposed to be.

For me, Summer is a bit of an anxiety stressor. My job changes a little bit and I get placed in a new environment, working with new people for the duration of the summer. So that feels like an uproot, and something new I have to get used to all over again. Last year it was actually a really pleasant change and so this year I’m hoping for the same. I’m pretty optimistic that it will be and that’s a good feeling. 🙂

I also don’t do well in the heat so that’s another reason why Summer brings upon anxiety for me. Along with having this extra time during this season, there’s a lot of pressure to make use of everyday and do fun exciting things, everyday. Raise your hand if you’ve compared yourself to anyone on social media lately? #Guilty. I’m sorry I don’t have that kind of money to just be jumping flights, here and there. I have a lot going on in my life that I need to be saving up for, so unfortunately vacationing isn’t in the stars for me. And that sucks, but it’s my reality and that’s ok. Everyone’s life is different.

I think I’m learning to balance my boundaries. Sometimes I know I can push through my anxiety and sometimes I know I have to pull back and give myself a beat. And knowing that has made an incredible difference in my life. This notion is certainly a work in progress, but it’s coming along slowly.

It’s ok, to take breaks. It’s ok, to push yourself a bit, you will learn what you can handle. It’s ok, to say no. It’s ok, to strive for change. And it’s ok, to be afraid of that change, and still go for it anyway. My whole life I thought that I couldn’t use the words risk taker to describe myself. I’m taking that back. Recently I died my hair blue. BLUE! (No not my whole head…they’ll be a post coming soon!) But I have freakin’ blue hair right now and I’m just doing things I’ve been wanting to do for myself.  Different things. I’m just going for it! Sometimes I feel guilty, like wait that’s too much money or I should be here or there or doing this or that. But then I think wait- why can’t if do this for me? It’s allowed! There’s nothing wrong with caring about yourself or the things your passionate about. 

I’ve also been thinking about huge life changes lately. Some will take a while to accomplish, but the building blocks can start now. The other day I was told; “you seem optimistic and seem to be accepting change.” This was an incredible thing for me to hear from another person who knows me and knows how my life is and the things I struggle with. Change is literally the reason why I realized I have anxiety. Anytime change is upon me, my anxiety can peek. It doesn’t always, but if I’m anxious it’s usually because of some change happening in my life.

I’m at a point in my life, where I can see things a tiny bit clearer and the things I want out of life. The things I want for myself. And sometimes that means being a little selfish and doing my own thing. I hate how some may take offense to that,  because it is not intention. But I think that now is the only time I have to be selfish. Other people do it, why can’t I? And that’s not a dig at anyone, it’s just an observation. Once I’m older, and have a family of my own things will be very different. And my husband and my children will be my priority. So now this is my time to sort myself out so that dream of having that life when I’m older can eventually come true. I don’t want to sit back 10 or 15 years from now and regret not going after the things I wanted. I don’t want to resent my family. So this is the time to get my  mind right and just do my thing.

I’m trying to tackle the things that scare me. Granted, I have my days when I falter and I let that fear hold me back, or I allow the laziness of summer overcome me. But I’m keeping high expectations for myself this summer. There are so many things I want to accomplish on a personal and professional level that I am making strides toward those goals already.

I’ve always wanted to write a pilot script for this tv show I’ve had running in my head for YEARS-since high school. The show is written in shifts and on random papers all over my house-some are on my computer- it’s all over the place. I’ve never written a concise first episode. There’s no organization and I am all about organizing this summer. My planner and inspiration notebook are my best friends! So that ish, is getting written THIS SUMMER. I’ve started to do my research, surprisingly I know a lot of the things I’ve found out which makes me feel kind of good. But there was also a ton I didn’t know- things I’m still learning, still researching. Oh you mean I have an excuse to watch television. Awesome! 😉 Your never going to stop learning, ever. Life is full of lessons.

So there’s that big change happening. Which is huge for me, because researching my craft has always been scary for me. I can’t exactly explain it. It was, I guess something I loved so much, that I was scared that if I researched it I would find out how little I know, or how far from my dream I actually am. But my mind set is different now and I realize that I can’t get there if I don’t try. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it to where I want to be. I don’t know if I will ever get my dream of creating my own tv show. But the show is not ever going to leave my heart or my brain. It could be months, and then a story will pop into my head for one of my characters and I will have to revisit that world. Or a line will pop into my head and I will go-“Oh my god that would be the perfect thing for Travis to say to Sara.” (Shhh Spoilers!) 😉

I’ve been thinking more seriously about my next move. About my career long term. I love where I work right now. I know I haven’t given exact details of my work, but that’s because I truly believe in respecting privacy and I want to remain professional. But basically I do work in a school setting teaching creative subjects like writing, and film. And I think it’s been an eye opening experience for me. You really can learn by teaching.

I have a lot of creative projects I am tinkering with this Summer too. I’m not going to reveal them, because I don’t want to jinx them, or put extra pressure on myself to finish them all. I will overwhelm myself with an over extensive to do list, I know this. So let’s just say that my main creative goal is to get my pilot script written and keep learning more and more about writing and working in television.

I would love to track that process on here for you guys to see, but to also be able to reflect back on it and see how I progressed. I hope you’ll come along on this journey with me.

Happy Summer!

XO

Michelle Leigh

A little bit of everything…

Hi friends,

I have to admit there’s a lack of inspiration for me right now. Maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s laziness, or stress. I don’t know. But I’m in a funk and I just need to work through it. It’ll pass, I know it will. It always does.

But in the mean time, I don’t want to slack on this blog either so…let’s chat.

I’ve been thinking about where my life is going, lately. A lot of reflection is creeping in, and not exactly warranted. I say that because I’d kind of rather not go there. Because I know along with that reflection will come some harsh realities. Things I need to be working harder on. The list is long. And I have a tendency to really overthink and get myself all anxious which is of no use, because then I tend to retreat and shut down, getting nothing done.

When I think back to how hopeful the new year seemed, and where I am now, it seems like too different worlds. But I think that’s kind of how it always is. I make these big grand lists of things I want to change or do or accomplish and then I lose track and momentum and end up falling into old habits. I know we all do it, but I just wish I could avoid getting into these slumps. They suck.

Granted I think I have made some progress in personal growth this year so far, but I still think there are a lot of things I could be doing to feel even better about my life and where I’m heading.

I just turned 26 and so naturally, I’m thinking about my future and what I want for myself. I want to be a writer for television and film. And yet I’m still in a part-time job, it’s writing and film related but not a career for me. I want to get married and have children and start a family some day, and yet I’m still single and living home. It’s difficult when you start to look at your family and friends around you and suddenly feel like you missed something. Did I miss the course in life planning? Because I feel so far behind. It’s so easy for me to compare myself to them. So many people around me are getting engaged, married, pregnant. And here I am, doing the same ole same.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself. If anything I feel like I’m kicking myself for not being more of a risk taker. I don’t hate my life. I don’t hate my job. (I actually really enjoy it!) I don’t hate being single. But I just know there’s more I want out of life. But where I am, is safe and comfortable. I’m content. But I’m not. Does that make any sense?

It’s like I reflect and feel like I’m missing so much. I’m not going for it. But then I look at where I’ve come from a few years ago, and I feel like I’ve tackled a lot of my anxiety. But now there are new challenges I must tackle, in order to allow myself to step into the next chapter of my life. And I think that’s realizing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and start accepting change. I’ve spoken about my fear of change HERE on this blog.

I was in church a few weeks ago, and I remember the priest giving his sermon and saying how God does not work on time. We work on time. But God doesn’t. So if we are asking for something and we want it to happen right now and it doesn’t, that does not mean it won’t. It just means that God knows it’s not the right “time,” and therefore maybe your not ready yet.

So I think I’m going to keep that little tidbit in my back pocket, for when I start to stress out about the future. And I hope if you can relate to this stress and fear of change that you hold onto this little fact too. Things will happen when they are supposed to. I know there are so many uncertainties; career, relationships, etc. But I have to just trust that God’s got me. He knows what’s in my heart and what it wants and when the “time” is right all will fall into place. I just need to do some rearranging and prioritizing on my end. Wish me luck! 😉

To my fellow 20 somethings, Don’t Stop Believing!

xo

Michelle Leigh

 

-<3-