I don’t even know if anyone follows me closely enough here at michelle leigh writes to know or care that I’ve been gone for quite some time. But numbers, they don’t matter much to me. I know, that the universe will place my words into the lives of the people who need it, or who can relate to it. I have faith.
But it has been a while- a little over a month since my last post. I‘ve been overwhelmed with a lot of things lately, and just making my family and friends my priority.
But every now and then, the creative soul in me starts to feel neglected. My writer’s hand, starts to twitch. That being said, I’ve felt this way for quite a bit, but yet every time I try to sit and write something, nothing suitable comes. It’s either too personal, or I don’t get past the first few words. Night after night has gone by and I struggle with the typical creative soul dilemma- do I write something, anything, to just have something to post. Or do I wait until it’s what I want. Wait until it’s “perfect.” But we all know how that goes.
So I’m coming to you now, with a little bit of honesty and self reflection. I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. For probably my whole life. So I thought I’d share.
I have this need to please people. To be liked, by everyone. I understand that is unrealistic, but it’s my truth. The idea of someone talking about me in a negative way causes me incredible anxiety. I’m an anxious person to begin with. I’m a sensitive personality. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I constantly question myself, I overanalyze everything I say, or do. And it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap at people for no good reason, sometimes I over react. Sometimes I say things without thinking. The list goes on. And it’s not intentional, it’s human.
It makes me angry that I feel like I have to fit into this box. Other people’s version of perfection. I care so much about what other people think. And because of that I think that hinders, my ability to let myself grow and become the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. It makes me question myself, why I do what I do, if I do it because I genuinely want to or because I feel like it’ll make me look or be perceived a certain way. Or something even more simpler, I won’t wear a certain thing, in fear that someone will judge it or make fun of me for it. I won’t chime into a conversation if I feel like someone will question me or judge what I have to say. I hate confrontation. The idea of someone getting hurt because of me, pains me more than when I get hurt myself. Because I know what it’s like to feel hurt and I am empathetic sometimes to a fault. I am constantly apologizing for being myself. And I just don’t feel like that’s ok. People are not perfect. I am not perfect.
I don’t necessarily know why I am this way. I guess its just the way I’m wired. But I can’t seem to shake it. And it SUCKS. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming and I criticize myself into an anxious mess.
At the root of everything, at the core, in my heart I know I have so much potential. I know I can do so much more than I am doing. I know I’m still discovering the dreams I hold deep in my heart. I know I’m a good hearted person just trying my best to get through each day. I’ve been fearful, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been anxious and not wanting to change. I’ve been scared to disappoint people or hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been human.
Usually I end these rants with some silver lining, some hopeful anecdote. Some kind of pep talk. But this is something I am still struggling with, I can’t undo this in a day, a month, or even a year. This is something I need to continuously work on. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with this too?
Do you have to be liked by everyone? How do you react to confrontation?