More than my anxiety…

hello-my-name-is-anxiety[1]

 

My anxiety

the overwhelming fear that something, somehow can go horribly wrong

I will not have someone to turn to

to help me

No one will understand

They will think I am crazy or strange

Heat prickling feeling

Heart palpitations

Heavy chest

Hands shaking

Fidgeting

Light headedness

Shortness of breath

Out of body

I’m not here

Mind, and body in a state of Fight or Flight

Which will win today?

Missed opportunities

Try to plan ahead

Avoidance

No Rhyme or Reason

Logic lost

Please forgive my quiet tongue

Please forgive my unfocused gaze

I’m just trying not to fall apart in front of you

Trying to hush this struggle I deal with in my life

You may not always see it

You may not notice it

That doesn’t mean it’s not there

It’s real

Small places

Hot places

Crowded places

Underground

Harsh smells

Triggers

I can’t breathe

I need to leave

Wait, I must stay

I can do this

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe

Fight

1…2…3…

Count

Breathe

And then suddenly… it passes

And my world is normal again

I am more

More than my anxiety

More than my fear

I have a name

An identity that goes beyond this one word

I have dreams

I have goals

I have friends and family

I am a creative soul

I love the color blue

And chocolate chip cookies

I am more

And so are you…

*****

SIDENOTE:

For anyone who has anxiety and has had it overwhelm them to the point where they feel like it has stopped you from living your life, I can relate. I know what it’s like to try and find the source of your anxiety. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t and anxiety goes unexplained. Keep going! You got this. You can conquer it! One day at a time. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Always Breathe. You may feel like you can’t, but you can and you will. You control your mind. Let me know in the comments below, how you deal with anxiety and the ways you cope and overcome.

 

*I do not take credit for any photos used in my edits or otherwise.*

-<3-

 

 

 

 

Is vulnerability a bad thing?

vulnerability-sign1[1]

There are things in life, I think we all have difficulties dealing with.

That urge to feel loved and accepted. Wanting to feel understood. Wanting to feel like our thoughts matter.

Starting a new journey in life. A new school, a new job, a new relationship.

Dealing with things that scare you. Fear can be crippling.

Anxiety, stress, depression. Death.

It is human nature to feel overwhelmed when your world dims and you feel like you’re slipping into darkness.

And when that happens it is also human nature to feel your feelings. To cry, to be angry, to want to yell and scream and stomp around like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum.

But what stops us from doing so?

Fear of being judged for feeling. For succumbing to life’s deepest heartaches.

I hate crying in front of people. I hate showing my deepest worries. Sometimes I feel like it’s a bother to others around me, or a sign that I’m not strong enough to handle what life has handed me.

For some reason we’ve been conditioned to feel ashamed of our emotions. To feel that if we somehow lay our cards out on the table for people to see, that somehow that makes us weak. So we hide it, or we let it all out in private.

I’m starting to try to let go of that. I’m trying to embrace the emotions and the feelings I have at the moment, and just ride that wave and cry it out. You’d be surprised how the weight that you’ve been carrying gets a little lighter after you’ve talked to someone, and had a good cry. The downsides are sometimes a splitting headache, puffy red swollen eyes, and the emotional drain and feelings of fatigue. However, sometimes it’s just the price you have to pay for an emotional release.

It’s been said that to be strong for someone else you have to be a rock. You have to hold in your emotions so that you can be there for them, because it isn’t about you. It’s about being there for them, and showing support. Letting them do all the crying while you just continue being the shoulder they need to lean on.

Are we robots? Are we not supposed to feel for someone going through a difficult time?

Sometimes no matter how hard you try your emotions will come, and if you are pushing them down so far, they will just build up until you explode.

I’ve carried this notion around with me for almost my whole life. That the best thing you can do to support someone in their time of need is to lock up your heart and keep it together.

Pull yourself together girl.

But as human beings isn’t it natural to feel for others. Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. To feel what someone else is feeling. To be there with them. To cry with them. To put yourself in their shoes and to understand their pain. I don’t think tears are a sign of weakness, in fact I think it’s a sign of how strong we all are. How we can cry and get it all out and then somehow manage to pull ourselves back up and continue this journey of life.

Life isn’t easy. It is filled with scary what ifs and sometimes they overcast their darkness on what should be a beautiful experience. Life is meant to be lived and yet we get caught up in the fear. The fear of the unknown. Wondering what the next day would bring or what our futures held for us, used to be an exciting notion. As kids we’d dream about what we’d be when we’d grow up, and how our lives could be so grand. Dreams were at our finger tips.

So what changed? Why has society allowed simple human beings to feel as though being vulnerable is a bad thing? Because if you ask me, if we were all more honest and forth coming with our emotions the world would be a much more simpler, and happier place. We’d be happier.

Sure wearing your heart on your sleeve isn’t always going to work out. Sometimes you’ll get your heart-broken, sometimes the people you trust can disappoint you and may not react the way you’d like them to. But risking it can be worth it. Because in your heart of hearts you’ll know you were honest. You were human. It takes courage to be brave and show your heart.

So the next time you feel like the world is getting the best of you, don’t be afraid to feel it. Don’t be afraid to show it, or to cry it out. I know its taboo and it’s hard to be so vulnerable in front of others. But if you show who you are to people, they may just show you who they are. Your family and your friends care about you, and I am sure they only want to help you. Showing them your vulnerable side may just bring you all that much closer. It also may give them the freedom to feel like they can confide in you when they feel they need someone to talk to. There can be something so beautiful and inspiring about transparency. I’ve had so many candid, uncensored conversations with friends about real things, and I’ve never walked away regretting being vulnerable with them. Because I found that in way, we all deal with similar things.

It’s a slow process; learning that it’s ok to be vulnerable. I know. I am still working on it myself. And I still find that I stifle my emotions at times. But I’m learning that you don’t always have to do that. You can’t control how you feel. You should never have to feel like what you’re feeling is wrong. No one can ever tell you how to feel. They are your feelings. So own them.

*I’ll leave you with this for some inspiration… ❤

-<3-

*I do not take credit for any music, links, or images used.*

Interpretation

 My_Four_Season_by_onutzaC[1]imagesLWX9GZ19

Listen to: “Seasons Change” by Susie Suh

*********************

“Interpretation”

Seasons change

like feelings do

Sunshine brightens

pouring rain brings gloom

sunglasses protect eyes from knowing, from showing, from telling, from bright sun rays

umbrellas shelter from storms

Secrets plenty

Secrets held

Seasons change

like feelings do

Feelings

feelings of joy and wonder

feelings of sadness and despair

feelings of confusion both good and not so

Seasons change

Fall

Winter

Spring

Summer

A rotation

of sunshine and clouds passing over

A lesson

A learning

Leaves change colors

snow falls cold, crisp and white

flowers bloom,

birds chirp singing love songs to the world, music to the trees felt down to their roots

poolside heat waves dance on sun-kissed skin

A rotation

A lesson

A learning

Feelings change

like seasons do

It’s all part of life

the twist and turns of growing up

Create your pathway

your own yellow brick road

follow your instincts

Click your Ruby Red slippers together

because you can always go home

Make mistakes

Fall in love

Enjoy the ride

-<3-

* I do not take credit for any images used. *

Interpretation

 My_Four_Season_by_onutzaC[1]imagesLWX9GZ19

Listen to: “Seasons Change” by Susie Suh

*********************

“Interpretation”

Seasons change

like feelings do

Sunshine brightens

pouring rain brings gloom

sunglasses protect eyes from knowing, from showing, from telling, from bright sun rays

umbrellas shelter from storms

Secrets plenty

Secrets held

Seasons change

like feelings do

Feelings

feelings of joy and wonder

feelings of sadness and despair

feelings of confusion both good and not so

Seasons change

Fall

Winter

Spring

Summer

A rotation

of sunshine and clouds passing over

A lesson

A learning

Leaves change colors

snow falls cold, crisp and white

flowers bloom,

birds chirp singing love songs to the world, music to the trees felt down to their roots

poolside heat waves dance on sun-kissed skin

A rotation

A lesson

A learning

Feelings change

like seasons do

It’s all part of life

the twist and turns of growing up

Create your pathway

your own yellow brick road

follow your instincts

Click your Ruby Red slippers together

because you can always go home

Make mistakes

Fall in love

Enjoy the ride

-<3-

* I do not take credit for any images used. *