A little thing called fear


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Fear;

a mind playing game,

to conquer my days,

in it’s selfish ways.

When clouds loom,

threatening to rain down on me.

I look above to the one who holds the key.

The one who shelters me from the storm inside my mind.

Who never lets me go.

The god that my heart calls home.

Thank you for forgiving my wandering soul.

 

 

*I do not take credit for the image/quote used in the image.*

 

-<3-

BLOGMAS RECAP!

Before we roll into the new year I just wanted to do a little reflection/recap on #BLOGMAS.

lights blogmas edit

I actually did it!!!! 25 days, 25 posts- a post a day, everyday!

There were many times I doubted if I would stick to it. If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you know there are many times I let life sidetrack me from my blogging goals. 

However, this was something I set out to do, to see if I could actually meet the challenge. 

In the beginning, I felt it was pretty easy to post, because I had a few posts already scheduled and ready to go. It was just a matter of checking in on things and then posting to social media. So it was a breeze- then it got harder as I had to post in real time. Every day, I had to set aside time to make sure I could write, edit, and post all in one day. And this is when I realized just how difficult it could be.

With all the holiday things going on- the shopping, the planning, and other things in life like friendships, family, and work, it was difficult to stay on track. Towards the end, I was uploading minutes before midnight! But I made it!

I even blogged ON Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day. I had planned to schedule those ahead of time, but it just got so stressful and so busy, with baking and last minute shopping for the little things. This Christmas was absolutely insane, a lot of traveling around, and it just felt like I was going and going non-stop. I have a new little niece so we had a lot of new special traditions this year. 

So in between all that, I was typing up posts on the go, on my crappy cell phone. Making myself slightly car sick! Lol. Hey, at least you can’t say that’s not dedication! Right? 

Needless to say not only was my cell phone giving me trouble, my laptop decided to die on me too! So in the face of this challenge I had given myself, it felt like there were a lot of obstacles against me. But I pushed past every one. I borrowed my mom’s computer, my aunt’s computer, to continue the journey, I typed notes into my cellphone, I excused myself on Christmas Eve and Day to upload on my brother’s computer, all on minimal hours of sleep and holiday stress. Just so I could prove to myself that I could do this. And I did. Wherever I went I had BLOGMAS on the brain. 

I know it may not be a big deal to some of you reading this, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I often let this blog slide, when I have a lot going on in my life, because it’s my blog, I can pick up whenever or wherever I want. But giving myself a challenge, made me feel like I was  being held accountable for something. Don’t get me wrong I felt rude at times sneaking away to write or sneaking off to work on a post/use someone else’s computer to post. (NOT THAT I USED WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION, lol, because that would just be rude.) I just mean that I did feel bad doing something for myself in the middle of the holidays where your supposed to be sharing it with others. But it was important to me, and I think they all (or at least I hope they all) understood. I didn’t let it stop me from enjoying time with my family. I did what I had to do for BLOGMAS and shut the computer down and resumed my family time. 

Another thing I had to come to terms with when posting daily, (because I didn’t always have time to plan and pre-write) was that I couldn’t over-analyze my ideas for my posts. I got an idea, if it was feasible in a day, I ran with it. It usually will take me hours to write, edit and post. Especially if it’s a short story. But with BLOGMAS I was in a bit of a constant time crunch. So I had to leave my perfectionism behind. At times it was hard, because I felt like it wasn’t my best work, but BLOGMAS was a learning experience. You don’t have to love what you write, everyday, but writing everyday is great for a writer to do. 

My posts were all Christmas related, which was not my initial intension. But it kind of just happened that way, I guess I was inspired by the season. 

Another thing that was new to me, was posting regularly to my social media websites for this blog during BLOGMAS. In case you didn’t know michelleleighwrites is on Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram! Come follow along! I’d love to chat with you! 😉 And as someone who personally doesn’t post to social media everyday, it took some getting used to. But it was a cool experience.

I know I also mentioned this to you guys at some point, how my WordPress account needs updating and I haven’t been able to do that yet, so my photo memory is extremely limited, and so it was a challenge to post without images. I always like to have an image accompany my writing, I feel like it adds a visual aspect. I had to go in and delete images to make room for the few new ones I needed, or work with images I already had. There were many weird obstacles during BLOGMAS, and usually when things like that have happened in the past in life, I would just be like “Oh well, it’s not working, I can’t do it.” But not this time. I set a goal and I met it! I think there was only one day where I posted to social media a few minutes late, but it was posted on the blog, on time, so I was in the clear! Lol. 

It was a long BLOGMAS journey, but it kind of flew by and the more the time passed, the days grew and the numbers on the calendar kept climbing, and I kept posting and it just started to become part of my routine and it started to feel really good. There were times I thought to myself, “I’ve got this,” and there were times where I was like, “Oh no, I’m going to miss my deadline!” But I did it, I posted every day from December 1-25 and I am super proud I was able to commit to it and complete the task I set out to do. For myself, but also for all of you. 

Thank you for reading… (and if you missed any days of the MLW #BLOGMAS series, I will link them all down below for you to browse.)

BLOGMAS -Day 1- Christmas Bucket List

BLOGMAS -Day 2- Christmas Playlist

BLOGMAS -Day 3- Christmas Movie List

BLOGMAS -Day 4- A Broken Heart For Christmas Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 5- My VLOGMAS Favs

BLOGMAS -Day 6- (Mini) VLOGMAS 2016 Update

BLOGMAS -Day 7- Single in Season

BLOGMAS -Day 8- A Christmas Story

BLOGMAS -Day 9- A Christmas Morning Memory

BLOGMAS -Day 10- Winter Wonderland

BLOGMAS -Day 11- The pressure the Holidays put on us

BLOGMAS -Day 12- Snowed Inn Christmas

BLOGMAS -Day 13- “A Husband for Christmas” Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 14- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 2] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 15- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 3] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 16- Cynical Shopping

BLOGMAS -Day 17- My Perfect Winter Day

BLOGMAS -Day 18- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 4] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 19- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 5] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 20- Give me your Light, Oh Lord.

BLOGMAS -Day 21- Winter [2017] Favorites

BLOGMAS -Day 22- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 6] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 23- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 7] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 24- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 8] Short Story

BLOGMAS -Day 25- “A Husband for Christmas” [Part 9] Short Story

 

*STAY TUNED!

My 2017 Highlights/Memory Jar post will be up tomorrow!!! 

Have a very Happy and safe New Year’s Eve and if your feeling the romance tonight- check out some of my New Year’s Eve stories…

Kiss Me At Midnight…A Short Story 

What are you doing New Year’s Eve?

*^ The second is a year after follow-up to the first, it follows the same characters.^*

For Old Times’ Sake

Once again Thanks for reading this year! See you in 2018!

-<3-

BLOGMAS -Day 20- Give me your Light, Oh Lord.

Church

Yesterday I went to confession. I usually go every year around this time. 

I’ve been struggling lately with feeling like I’m stressing everything in my life. I know this tends to happen to me, every year. The year is ending, there’s so much to do. And I get all caught up in the stress of the hustle and bustle. And sad to say I let my anxiety cloud over the true meaning of Christmas.

What the priest said in response was something that I will keep with me.

He said that my anxiety was a gift and when I looked at him with confusion, he laughed and explained further.

He began to explain to me how God comes to us during our struggles. We may not think he’s there, but he’s with us. Walking with us. Because he was there when Jesus Christ was born, he walked through Bethlehem while Mary walked through, pregnant and all. And they were rejected and turned away, no one caring to help them. Jesus was born in a stable- dirty, muddy, cold, dark, with the animals.

So the way he explained it is that Jesus comes into your life at Christmas time during all your stress and your struggles to be your light. 

And as he sat there explaining that to me, my eyes watered and everything was put into perspective. 

Thank you, God, for sending me the message I desperately needed to hear. 

-<3-

    

A little bit of everything…

Hi friends,

I have to admit there’s a lack of inspiration for me right now. Maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s laziness, or stress. I don’t know. But I’m in a funk and I just need to work through it. It’ll pass, I know it will. It always does.

But in the mean time, I don’t want to slack on this blog either so…let’s chat.

I’ve been thinking about where my life is going, lately. A lot of reflection is creeping in, and not exactly warranted. I say that because I’d kind of rather not go there. Because I know along with that reflection will come some harsh realities. Things I need to be working harder on. The list is long. And I have a tendency to really overthink and get myself all anxious which is of no use, because then I tend to retreat and shut down, getting nothing done.

When I think back to how hopeful the new year seemed, and where I am now, it seems like too different worlds. But I think that’s kind of how it always is. I make these big grand lists of things I want to change or do or accomplish and then I lose track and momentum and end up falling into old habits. I know we all do it, but I just wish I could avoid getting into these slumps. They suck.

Granted I think I have made some progress in personal growth this year so far, but I still think there are a lot of things I could be doing to feel even better about my life and where I’m heading.

I just turned 26 and so naturally, I’m thinking about my future and what I want for myself. I want to be a writer for television and film. And yet I’m still in a part-time job, it’s writing and film related but not a career for me. I want to get married and have children and start a family some day, and yet I’m still single and living home. It’s difficult when you start to look at your family and friends around you and suddenly feel like you missed something. Did I miss the course in life planning? Because I feel so far behind. It’s so easy for me to compare myself to them. So many people around me are getting engaged, married, pregnant. And here I am, doing the same ole same.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself. If anything I feel like I’m kicking myself for not being more of a risk taker. I don’t hate my life. I don’t hate my job. (I actually really enjoy it!) I don’t hate being single. But I just know there’s more I want out of life. But where I am, is safe and comfortable. I’m content. But I’m not. Does that make any sense?

It’s like I reflect and feel like I’m missing so much. I’m not going for it. But then I look at where I’ve come from a few years ago, and I feel like I’ve tackled a lot of my anxiety. But now there are new challenges I must tackle, in order to allow myself to step into the next chapter of my life. And I think that’s realizing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and start accepting change. I’ve spoken about my fear of change HERE on this blog.

I was in church a few weeks ago, and I remember the priest giving his sermon and saying how God does not work on time. We work on time. But God doesn’t. So if we are asking for something and we want it to happen right now and it doesn’t, that does not mean it won’t. It just means that God knows it’s not the right “time,” and therefore maybe your not ready yet.

So I think I’m going to keep that little tidbit in my back pocket, for when I start to stress out about the future. And I hope if you can relate to this stress and fear of change that you hold onto this little fact too. Things will happen when they are supposed to. I know there are so many uncertainties; career, relationships, etc. But I have to just trust that God’s got me. He knows what’s in my heart and what it wants and when the “time” is right all will fall into place. I just need to do some rearranging and prioritizing on my end. Wish me luck! 😉

To my fellow 20 somethings, Don’t Stop Believing!

xo

Michelle Leigh

 

-<3-

 

A Rant & A Poem- Something About Stress

I’m going to vent, because well- I need to. I’ve recently been really stressed out and I saw a décor sign while I was shopping that just fit my situation perfectly.

“You can do anything, but not everything.”

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Holy freaking shit. Excuse the language. But how true is that?

I really wish sometimes that I wasn’t such an anxious, neurotic person. I wish I could just be Zen and chill, and go with the flow. I wish I didn’t have to plan and over think. I wish I didn’t have to constantly feel like a fixer. Oh this looks wrong, let me fix it.

Note to self: Hey Michelle, this actually doesn’t concern you- butt out!

But I am who I am. I do believe people can change, but only so much. Certain lessons and learned habits are just ingrained in our brains. And others are tattooed along the way. I’ve been trying to realize that the fact that I care so much, doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m an empathetic person and being able to see things from both sides, is a great quality. It’s a human quality. But sometimes having to always see things from other people’s perspectives can really be exhausting. Because quite frankly, I don’t always feel like people give me the same courtesy. But then my soul kicks me in the ass, and I think about what God would do and what he would say. I have a feeling it would go a little like the “Oh so just because they do this, you think its ok for you to do this?” And the truth is no, it’s not ok. But sometimes you just do it anyway. Because you need to. Because your fed up, because you’ve had enough. Because the others shouldn’t be able to get away with it- All. The. Time. Sometimes the tit for tat feeling, feels good. A lot of the times it feels good for a second and then it feels really shitty. I hate it. I like to be liked. I like to make people happy. I hate confrontation. I hate awkward situations and tension. I try to avoid it because it will just add to my anxiety and cause people to see me in a negative light. A light I try so hard to stay far away from. Because let’s be honest, we all care what people think. Some of us more than others. #Guilty. Tit for tat is not my style. I know who I am, and even though sometimes I lose that every now and then, I always find my way back home. The way to my true heart.

Now that I’ve vented and ranted, here’s a poem. 😉   

 

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I’ve been walking into my church at random times lately, and the stillness and silence is beautiful and calming. It’s a great way to just find your focus and recharge and remember where you came from.

 

Like a tea kettle just before it begins to whistle.

Like nails on a chalk board.

Like a child’s face before they throw themselves into a tantrum.

Like a doormat who has had countless pairs of shoes wiped across it.

Like quicksand.

Like ocean waves- 10 feet high.

Like the tears we cry when we lose our minds.

Like the worst body tension you could ever imagine.

Like a gas bubble that traps itself in your chest.

Like the anxiety you feel in a crowded elevator.

Like the eggshells that break even with the slightest breath.

The want to be everything to everyone.

It’s a failure before it even starts.

Because how much can you give of yourself?

Who is that selfless? Can we be that selfless?

Who is that void of anxiety?

How do we leave sanity for ourselves?

Can I scream into the wind?

Or cry into a pillow?

Can I lift this weight?

Can I cast it up into the air and watch it turn into fairy dust and glitter?

Gold flecks. Everywhere.

Butterflies dancing in my hair.

Can I center my soul?

Breathe deep.

Walk through the broad, merciful, gold doors.

Sit silently still.

Find him, find where he lives in you.

He’s got you. He knows you. He’s with you.

Know your heart.

Know your person.

Act on it.

You got it kid.

Amen.

-<3-

 

Have you prayed today?

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LISTEN: Where is the Love?

LISTEN: All you need is Love.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why people do terrible things.

I don’t understand how violence has become the norm.

I hate that the quality of life and living have been tainted.

We ask why?

We try to understand.

Is nowhere safe?

You risk your life everyday by leaving your house.

You risk your life by taking public transportation.

…by going to the movies.

…by going to a concert.

…by going to a nightclub.

All things that are normal.

Things that are part of making life worth wild.

Experiences. Memories.

All viciously tainted.

We now live in a world where you can’t trust the stranger sitting next to you.

A world where you are weary and guarded.

Because you have to be.

Because this world has taught you that you need to be.

The violence must stop.

The world is in turmoil.

Security must enhance EVERYWHERE.

It’s sad. But it’s true.

You can’t walk around carelessly anymore.

You can’t trust in humanity.

In strangers or in sense of self and good hearts.

It’s sad. But it’s true.

You never know.

Anyone allowed to carry a weapon should have to undergo a psychiatric test before walking out with one.

People who have such anger in them that they would take the life of others just because they want to, just because they feel like it. They need help. The rage, the hate, the anger, the violence. It needs to stop.

We live in a world where you question bringing new life into it.

You question traveling at night alone.

…dropping your kids off at school.

The world is in turmoil and in these times are law and government going to step up and do something to change things? Can they change things? Will they even try?

Underground illegal actions constantly go untracked.

There is so much we don’t know.

I’m not one for politics, because quite honestly it feels like a popularity contest and they don’t end up doing what they say or are limited as to what they can actually do. If you ask me it’s probably not really even up to us.

But people in positions of power should use it for good. Awareness. Awakening. The time is now. No time like the present. The next president, needs to be the face of change.

The media only makes it worse. The constant reports, I have to turn it off after a while, because my anxiety spikes and if I continue to bury myself in that negativity, I’d never want to leave my house.

We shouldn’t have to fear living life.

In times like this we all turn our heads upwards and ask why?

Even those who don’t always believe.

We may even get angry as to why God let this happen.

There’s free will, and sometimes people abuse that.

While others soar and inspire, some are filled with evil and sin.

And one day their judgement day will come.

God Bless.

Stay Safe.

Hold your loved ones tight.

Forgive.

Leave it to God.

And Pray, pray harder than you ever have.

Pray for the world, pray for peace.

Pray for souls to connect with God again and fill their minds and hearts, with his will and to do the best they can, and be the best they can be to better this world for this generation and many generations to come.

Because this world, this isn’t the world God gave us.

The anger, the hate, the violence, he never instilled that into souls.

We’ve damaged our world, and now we need to fix it.

Have you prayed yet?

********************

I understand not all people identify with a religion but if you believe there is a greater power out there, then you know what it means to have a connection to something greater than yourself. I only hope you let that energy inspire you to always do good. Your soul deserves nothing less.

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

-<3-

 

 

Sunday Night Rainbow

I had been struggling with a topic for today’s Monday post, but then suddenly inspiration struck Sunday Night and it came in the form of art in the sky.

Casually chilling at home with my family, working on some lesson plans for the week, my Dad suddenly begins ranting and raving about the beautiful rainbow outside.

I walked over to my kitchen window to take a glance and it was such a bright beautiful one, I had to run outside and see it clearer. It was actually a full arc and a double rainbow. Below is a slideshow of pics I snapped. The last one, is a bit enhanced and cropped to be posted on instagram. But still the pictures don’t do it justice.

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So what does a double rainbow mean?

WeatherChannel.com explores the logical;

As sunshine breaks through the clouds and beams towards the raindrops, some of the light encounters the raindrops and bends – this process is called refraction. When the light refracts, the process causes the sunlight to separate into different wavelengths. These different wavelengths correspond to different colors: red and orange correspond to longer wavelengths, while blue and purple correspond to shorter wavelengths. 

The refracted light waves then bounce – or reflect – off of the circular edge of the raindrop, and then they refract again as they exit the raindrop and travel through the air.

Because raindrops are relatively round when the sunlight refracts through them, the visual result is a spherical arc that soars all across the sky. Viewers who are lucky enough to see a whole rainbow will observe a colorful arc spanning the entire Earth, from end to end.

A Double Rainbow! What Does This Mean?

During a particularly lucky scenario, two rainbows will form at the same time. The first and brighter rainbow is called the primary rainbow. This rainbow is created by the process described above, and only requires the light to reflect off of the raindrop once before refracting out of the raindrop.

Read More HERE

Sure there are scientific reasons as to why these colors get displayed post rainfall. But there’s a spiritual meaning behind rainbows too. Let’s dive in a little deeper, together, shall we?

According to universeofsymbolism.com Rainbows mean so much more than different colorful wavelengths forming from a mixture of rain, clouds and sunshine.

A double rainbow means serendipitous magic is on the way, the path of personal magic is opening for you. Be true to yourself and your dreams and know that the Universe is conspiring on your behalf. This also tells you that your intuition is keener than you might have imagined…it says “it’s a sure sign to trust your vibes.”

Read More HERE

There are also some biblical references involving the symbolism of rainbows.

12. And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant which I make between Me and you and every living creature with you, for everlasting generations: 13. I set My rainbow in the cloud, and it shall be the sign of the covenant between Me and the earth . . . and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. (Genesis 9:12, 15, HBFV)

Read More HERE

I personally think I’d side with the biblical and spiritual side of things. Sure rain happened and we got a rainbow- but why today? Why now? Was it the hope we all needed to see. An uplifting of sorts, a unique energy from God, a sign? I’d like to think so. I’d like to think it’s God telling us he’s with us. Because to me the world is far too big, too big to believe that we aren’t being watched over by a greater, much higher power.

So…what’s your take on rainbows? See any recently?

*All pictures are my own.*

-<3-