I know it’s been a minute. I am sorry. Every time I attempt to work on a post or even think about working on one, I would get discouraged or sidetracked. Holiday season, work, amongst personal changes have sort of taken over. It’s a mixture of an artistic slump and a life slump. But if you follow me, you do know that this blog means alot to me, and I always come back no matter how long I’ve been away. Because in my heart…I’m a writer and I am always writing a story in my head. So I’m going to hit you with a little emotional rant of sorts.
Why is it that word scares us so?
What about it instills that fear in us?
Loss of control.
Why is it that anytime you get comfortable in your day to day…life has a way of just throwing a pie right in your face?
I love pie, but not change. (lol)
The intelligent, rational side of me understands that change is part of the natural progression of life.
It’s not only predetermined to happen, it has to.
What’s that saying?
You can’t look backward, only forward.
It feels like you blink and you miss it.
I have no idea how time escaped me.
I feel like I’ve always said…when I grow up I want to do this and be that and live here…
And yet then I woke up and realized I’m 25 and still trying to get my life together.
But then there’s this…
I think what gets me most is when it all happens at once.
All the change hits you and your not as ready as you thought you were.
I’ve always been a- dance to the beat of my own drum kid.
I never liked to do things just to do them.
They needed to be backed by an emotion or a need.
My heart had to sit with it, for a while, before a decision was made.
And I am still that way.
Risk taker isn’t a word I’d use to describe myself.
However, as part of my discovery into myself and my self growth, I’ve learned that risk taking is how you get places.
And so I’ve been practicing just that.
That’s when I want to run…far…away…away from everyone and everything and just be.
Be safe and in my comfort zone.
Last year I felt really inspired and worked on alot of self-growth.
This year- felt a little less inspiring.
Not in the sense that I wasn’t happy, or enjoying life.
Just in the sense that life just kind of flew by.
I guess it’s not so bad that I’m busy.
I struggled for so long to find work, that I am very happy and humbled to be employed and actually enjoying what I do, even if it’s not a lifelong career, I am learning about myself and what I am capable of.
But as the year ends and the New Year will soon be rolling in, we are conditioned to reflect on our lives over the past year.
And mine, I gotta say is kind of a blur.
Good, happy, exciting things happened, and are still happening, but I find myself a little stuck.
I feel like I’m just going through the motions each day.
There’s a routine and I’m ok with it, but now my thoughts of the future and where I’m going next are stirring up again.
Work, school, relationships with my loved ones.
Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?
I have so much I still want to work on.
How do I achieve my true happiness?
I don’t think that’s a definitive destination.
I think happiness is ever changing.
There’s that word again.
There are always going to be two sides to every coin.
Good days and bad days.
We aren’t always going to be smiling.
Sometimes we’ll cry and sometimes we’ll feel the weight of those tears in our souls.
And sometimes we take that as a sign that we are broken.
Who ever said that crying was a sign of weakness?
Shame of you.
I see your bottled up feelings, and I raise you a pack of Kleenex.
I’ve cried in front of rooms full of people, and still lived to tell the story.
There are things that I thought I would have accomplished by now in my life.
There are places I thought I’d be by now.
25 isn’t exactly the youngest number.
And it isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be.
I don’t know maybe it’s just the time of year that stirs up all of this.
Or maybe it’s something to think about and really figure out.
I know I will always keep striving and going, it’s just that change scares me so much.
Add anxiety, stress and certain insecurities to that and it can be crippling.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back and ask for a re-d0.
Maybe I would have done a few things differently.
But then again, I do think that this is my journey.
It’s unlike anyone else’s and it may not be perfect-
but it was meant to be mine, and no matter how scary and painful the struggles I’ve dealt with may have been, I found a way to overcome them.
And although a work in progress-
I am so much stronger because of them.
If I’ve learned anything from where I’ve been, it’s that I was born to be a success story.
And so are you.
Hang in there my fellow 20-somethings!
New Year, clean slate, make new memories.