Fear of not being liked…

Hi all.

I don’t even know if anyone follows me closely enough here at michelle leigh writes to know or care that I’ve been gone for quite some time. But numbers, they don’t matter much to me. I know, that the universe will place my words into the lives of the people who need it, or who can relate to it. I have faith.

But it has been a while- a little over a month since my last post. I‘ve been overwhelmed with a lot of things lately, and just making my family and friends my priority.

But every now and then, the creative soul in me starts to feel neglected. My writer’s hand, starts to twitch. That being said, I’ve felt this way for quite a bit, but yet every time I try to sit and write something, nothing suitable comes. It’s either too personal, or I don’t get past the first few words. Night after night has gone by and I struggle with the typical creative soul dilemma- do I write something, anything, to just have something to post. Or do I wait until it’s what I want. Wait until it’s “perfect.” But we all know how that goes. 

So I’m coming to you now, with a little bit of honesty and self reflection. I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. For probably my whole life. So I thought I’d share.

I have this need to please people. To be liked, by everyone. I understand that is unrealistic, but it’s my truth. The idea of someone talking about me in a negative way causes me incredible anxiety. I’m an anxious person to begin with. I’m a sensitive personality. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I constantly question myself, I overanalyze everything I say, or do. And it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap at people for no good reason, sometimes I over react. Sometimes I say things without thinking. The list goes on. And it’s not intentional, it’s human. 

It makes me angry that I feel like I have to fit into this box. Other people’s version of perfection. I care so much about what other people think. And because of that I think that hinders, my ability to let myself grow and become the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. It makes me question myself, why I do what I do, if I do it because I genuinely want to or because I feel like it’ll make me look or be perceived a certain way. Or something even more simpler, I won’t wear a certain thing, in fear that someone will judge it or make fun of me for it. I won’t chime into a conversation if I feel like someone will question me or judge what I have to say. I hate confrontation. The idea of someone getting hurt because of me, pains me more than when I get hurt myself. Because I know what it’s like to feel hurt and I am empathetic sometimes to a fault. I am constantly apologizing for being myself. And I just don’t feel like that’s ok. People are not perfect. I am not perfect. 

I don’t necessarily know why I am this way. I guess its just the way I’m wired. But I can’t seem to shake it. And it SUCKS. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming and I criticize myself into an anxious mess. 

At the root of everything, at the core, in my heart I know I have so much potential. I know I can do so much more than I am doing. I know I’m still discovering the dreams I hold deep in my heart. I know I’m a good hearted person just trying my best to get through each day. I’ve been fearful, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been anxious and not wanting to change. I’ve been scared to disappoint people or hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been human.  

Usually I end these rants with some silver lining, some hopeful anecdote. Some kind of pep talk. But this is something I am still struggling with, I can’t undo this in a day, a month, or even a year. This is something I need to continuously work on. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with this too?

Do you have to be liked by everyone? How do you react to confrontation?

-<3-

 

 

 

The February Slump 2018

Hi friends!

It’s been a bit, I know. 

Today I would like to talk about the February Slump. I know you know what I’m referring to.

You know that point in the new year where you start to slack off on all the goals you set out to accomplish this year. 

I knew this time would come. January was a month of making changes, and making lists, and plans for a better future. Putting things into motion and action. 

Then once February came, I started noticing myself slacking. Going to bed late, not reading/writing everyday. My daily goals getting distracted by life and the day to day. 

Overall, January was pretty great for me. I felt like I was forming a routine, and working out consistently, taking my vitamins, drinking a lot of water, carving out a day within the week to work on each of my big goals for the year. [SEE HERE by reading my- January 2018 Update]

But came February and a few late nights, family functions, and busy times and I started slacking. My goal was not to get angry with myself when this happened but to pick myself back up and hop back onto the routine I’ve started to create, improving it and crafting it as I go along. And that’s what I’m hoping to do this week. Thankfully I am on winter break and I can strive to plan things a little better. However, why is it that it’s only Monday and I already feel like the week is over. There’s so much I want to do, clean, research, make time to see friends and family. You know what they say, there’s never enough time in a day. 

I just need to get myself back on track and learn to balance my time to include my dreams, my goals, and my inspirations with my family and my friends, work, (tv shows, because #TVJunkie) and a social life. 

Balance is key. And that is what I need to build on in order for all of this to work. Life is a balancing act. Summers become Winters. Christmas becomes Easter in the blink of an eye. And before you know it, the goals you set out to accomplish in that year, are rolled over into the next.

This year I want that to change. I want inspiration, change, and determination to run through my veins. Change? Michelle, you want change? What? You hate change. No you don’t, your just scared of it.

Change is a scary word. But not all change is bad. And I think I’m starting to realize that in order for my dreams to come true I’m going to have to let change in. I want to take action. Take control over my life. There are things I always put on hold, things I just don’t force myself to do, habits that come and go. I let life lead me, rather than the other way around. And then I mentally scold myself for not accomplishing my goals.  

So…this year I’ve started to implement the necessary changes I need to do in order to reach my goals. Granted, it’s a slow climb. I’m definitely a work in progress, and I’ve definitely had my days/weeks where I’ve slacked off. The important thing is to acknowledge the slump and work towards moving past it. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, because that’s not going to help me. And I can’t go back in time and change it. Getting down over it and scolding myself will only make me feel bad which in turn will hinder my motivation starting a vicious cycle and I don’t want that. So time to focus, time to revamp, time to balance.

Keep going girl, you got this! 

-<3-

*I do not take credit for any images used.*

 

 

 

2018 Inspiration and Planning Ideas

I’m a planner and I love to know what’s ahead of me. Granted, I realize that’s not always possible, but having some vague plan in mind, tends to lessen my anxiety so I go with it.

I recently bought myself a new planner. Nothing fancy, as much as I love how they have all the stickers and the sticky notes and all that, I just don’t think I would actually use them. So I just went to my local Walgreens and picked up a Blue Sky, monthly/weekly planner. 

When I start to plan for the new year, the first thing I like to do is reflect on the year that just passed. As you can see in my- 2017 Memory Jar Review post.

I go back through my memory jar, my instagram posts and my blog posts and see what I accomplished. I also review my goals list and check off the things I accomplished, and narrow in on the things I still want/need to work on, or continue to implement. 

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Because even if I did accomplish a specific goal in 2017, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t carry over into 2018. For instance like personal growth- and working on my anxiety, that’s a goal that’s on going, bettering my mental and physical health is always a goal every year, as it should be. 

After I reflect, I review my old goal list, and check off, or add to it. And then eventually I’ll probably make a new list. 

After that I will look at the many many things on my list and realize that it is VERY overwhelming!

So this year I’ve decided that from that big list I will pick 4-8 things that I want to ABSOLUTELY accomplish this year. And so that way my brain knows what it needs to focus on. Categories can help- so for instance- Health/Self-care, Relationships, Career.

After that, this is where my planner comes into play. 

I like these planners (Blue Sky) because they have the monthly calendar and then the weekly where you can write in things per day.

However in hindsight, I usually end up needing more space, no matter what. So I’ll either use post-its or a separate sheet of paper/notebook or notepad for daily To-Do Lists or if something I’m working on needs a little more planning. 

I’m debating getting just a desperate notebook for To-Do Lists, because I feel like I make them so often, I end up with all these sheets of paper all over. So we shall see. 

It’s only January, things are definitely going to change as we go along.

I’ve started to do like weekly to do lists, and goals, and also I think eventually I may try monthly. Let’s be real January is a total hangover month. I’m still on 2017 time, so everything is trial and error at this point for me.

And that’s totally okay, because you don’t need a new year, to make a change. I kind of feel like I implemented some new things into my life last year around fall time, because I felt inspired to do so with the new school year starting up again. So you can always renew, revamp, and reflect. There are no rules. 

Last year I said my “mantra word” was CHANGE, and ALOT changed around me, and I adapted and am continuing to do so, and although I feel I made some changes for myself too, I want to continue to grow and change on my own this year as well. However, I’m going to add another word to my mantra this year and that is DETERMINATION. There are certain things I want to do, that are big, BIG CHANGES I want to make in my life, and in order to do them, I’m going to need that fire, that determination. So I’m going to aim to up that factor in my life this year, because let’s be real, we all get in our lazy funks. It’s winter after all, and there’s a huge snow storm outside. So nothing says “it can wait til tomorrow…” more. But here I am trying to stick to my Monday/Thursday posting schedule anyway, while the tv is calling my name- waiting for me to catch up on all the shows I’ve missed over the past few weeks. Determination, Michelle, DETERMINATION.

Another thing I find that inspires me is looking up videos on YouTube. Some of those ladies make the most inspirational planning videos! And they just give you the pep you need to get planning.

I’ll link a few below, that I’ve watched this year for inspiration. I’ve definitely pulled from them when doing my planning.

I also like to have a visual to display so that I can see it. I never shared last years with you-(it was just a bunch of fun images with the word CHANGE), but after a while, it ended up getting buried in a corner of my room when I was reorganizing, but it’s back up and I’m going to add one near it to display images of my 2018 MAIN GOALS and the word DETERMINATION! 

vision board 2018

***

So to review the steps I use to plan:

Step 1: Reflect on the past year

Step 2: Review 2017 Goal List/Write a New One

Step 3: Narrow Goals Down (to the most important you want to focus on)

Step 4: Buy/Use a planner/To-Do List (to keep track of everything)

Step 5: Find inspiration (if you need help planning your goals)

Step 6: Choose your mantra word (the theme for your year)

Step 7: Create a vision board (to keep visible as a reminder of your goals for this year)

Step 8: Breathe & Believe in yourself ❤

MY MAIN BIG GOALS FOR 2018

*Get healthier- mentally/physically/emotionally

*Take the next step in my career

*Save money for my best friend’s wedding festivities!

*Get my permit/take driver’s ed (yes I know I’m way behind on this, in life- but hey I live in NY, technically- I don’t NEED to drive) 😉

*Work on relationships

*Self-publish a body of work (not on this blog, but elsewhere)

*Write my Pilot episode

Now that I have this locked down, I can go through and plan how to accomplish each one, step by step. I haven’t done that just yet, but…I will. The year is new, the year is young. 

Happy 2018! Now let’s crush it! ❤

Tell me how you plan for your year ahead in the comments below, and if you have any other YouTubers you find inspiring!

-<3-

*I do not take credit for the images used in my edit or otherwise.*

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Time Changes- Let’s Talk

summer-tag-copy[1]I think it’s safe to say, Summer is here and kicking. The 4th is tomorrow and that right there is the epitome of Summer to me. The weather is hot, school is out and life becomes this different existence. Everything is slightly more laid back- or at least it’s supposed to be.

For me, Summer is a bit of an anxiety stressor. My job changes a little bit and I get placed in a new environment, working with new people for the duration of the summer. So that feels like an uproot, and something new I have to get used to all over again. Last year it was actually a really pleasant change and so this year I’m hoping for the same. I’m pretty optimistic that it will be and that’s a good feeling. 🙂

I also don’t do well in the heat so that’s another reason why Summer brings upon anxiety for me. Along with having this extra time during this season, there’s a lot of pressure to make use of everyday and do fun exciting things, everyday. Raise your hand if you’ve compared yourself to anyone on social media lately? #Guilty. I’m sorry I don’t have that kind of money to just be jumping flights, here and there. I have a lot going on in my life that I need to be saving up for, so unfortunately vacationing isn’t in the stars for me. And that sucks, but it’s my reality and that’s ok. Everyone’s life is different.

I think I’m learning to balance my boundaries. Sometimes I know I can push through my anxiety and sometimes I know I have to pull back and give myself a beat. And knowing that has made an incredible difference in my life. This notion is certainly a work in progress, but it’s coming along slowly.

It’s ok, to take breaks. It’s ok, to push yourself a bit, you will learn what you can handle. It’s ok, to say no. It’s ok, to strive for change. And it’s ok, to be afraid of that change, and still go for it anyway. My whole life I thought that I couldn’t use the words risk taker to describe myself. I’m taking that back. Recently I died my hair blue. BLUE! (No not my whole head…they’ll be a post coming soon!) But I have freakin’ blue hair right now and I’m just doing things I’ve been wanting to do for myself.  Different things. I’m just going for it! Sometimes I feel guilty, like wait that’s too much money or I should be here or there or doing this or that. But then I think wait- why can’t if do this for me? It’s allowed! There’s nothing wrong with caring about yourself or the things your passionate about. 

I’ve also been thinking about huge life changes lately. Some will take a while to accomplish, but the building blocks can start now. The other day I was told; “you seem optimistic and seem to be accepting change.” This was an incredible thing for me to hear from another person who knows me and knows how my life is and the things I struggle with. Change is literally the reason why I realized I have anxiety. Anytime change is upon me, my anxiety can peek. It doesn’t always, but if I’m anxious it’s usually because of some change happening in my life.

I’m at a point in my life, where I can see things a tiny bit clearer and the things I want out of life. The things I want for myself. And sometimes that means being a little selfish and doing my own thing. I hate how some may take offense to that,  because it is not intention. But I think that now is the only time I have to be selfish. Other people do it, why can’t I? And that’s not a dig at anyone, it’s just an observation. Once I’m older, and have a family of my own things will be very different. And my husband and my children will be my priority. So now this is my time to sort myself out so that dream of having that life when I’m older can eventually come true. I don’t want to sit back 10 or 15 years from now and regret not going after the things I wanted. I don’t want to resent my family. So this is the time to get my  mind right and just do my thing.

I’m trying to tackle the things that scare me. Granted, I have my days when I falter and I let that fear hold me back, or I allow the laziness of summer overcome me. But I’m keeping high expectations for myself this summer. There are so many things I want to accomplish on a personal and professional level that I am making strides toward those goals already.

I’ve always wanted to write a pilot script for this tv show I’ve had running in my head for YEARS-since high school. The show is written in shifts and on random papers all over my house-some are on my computer- it’s all over the place. I’ve never written a concise first episode. There’s no organization and I am all about organizing this summer. My planner and inspiration notebook are my best friends! So that ish, is getting written THIS SUMMER. I’ve started to do my research, surprisingly I know a lot of the things I’ve found out which makes me feel kind of good. But there was also a ton I didn’t know- things I’m still learning, still researching. Oh you mean I have an excuse to watch television. Awesome! 😉 Your never going to stop learning, ever. Life is full of lessons.

So there’s that big change happening. Which is huge for me, because researching my craft has always been scary for me. I can’t exactly explain it. It was, I guess something I loved so much, that I was scared that if I researched it I would find out how little I know, or how far from my dream I actually am. But my mind set is different now and I realize that I can’t get there if I don’t try. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it to where I want to be. I don’t know if I will ever get my dream of creating my own tv show. But the show is not ever going to leave my heart or my brain. It could be months, and then a story will pop into my head for one of my characters and I will have to revisit that world. Or a line will pop into my head and I will go-“Oh my god that would be the perfect thing for Travis to say to Sara.” (Shhh Spoilers!) 😉

I’ve been thinking more seriously about my next move. About my career long term. I love where I work right now. I know I haven’t given exact details of my work, but that’s because I truly believe in respecting privacy and I want to remain professional. But basically I do work in a school setting teaching creative subjects like writing, and film. And I think it’s been an eye opening experience for me. You really can learn by teaching.

I have a lot of creative projects I am tinkering with this Summer too. I’m not going to reveal them, because I don’t want to jinx them, or put extra pressure on myself to finish them all. I will overwhelm myself with an over extensive to do list, I know this. So let’s just say that my main creative goal is to get my pilot script written and keep learning more and more about writing and working in television.

I would love to track that process on here for you guys to see, but to also be able to reflect back on it and see how I progressed. I hope you’ll come along on this journey with me.

Happy Summer!

XO

Michelle Leigh

Scatter Brain

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I recently have been feeling like I have a lot of things going on and I’m getting overwhelmed.

I know what else is new? Right? 

But I’m stuck.

It’s that time of year where it’s getting hotter. I work closely with the school system, so it’s nearing summer break and all the kids are starting to lag and slow down and I feel by some extension that I am too.

There is this improvement list I keep thinking about.

Things I want to do and be better at, for myself-my career, my health, for my students, for my family, for my friends…

I teach 5 different creative activities and although it was my choice, I feel like I’m not doing as well as I hoped. I always have this vision and then it gets crazy and scattered and I end up scrambling in the last weeks.

And yet I am still also needed in a lot of other areas in my life- I’m in three more weddings- two of which I am maid of honor for, I’m going to be a Titi (An Aunt) in the fall I’m going to have a niece! And I’m planning for family occasions that keep popping up…the list always has something new added.

So I feel like I’m trying to be everything to everyone and still tryin to have some sort of social life and make time for myself. 

My relationships in my life with family and friends are everything to me.

And I want to show up for everyone… for everything.

And lately, I just feel kind of all over the place, and pulled in many directions.

I feel like I’m dropping the ball, and I don’t know what to do.

To the point where I just want to throw myself on my bed and sleep to forget it all.

I’ve been going and going since what feels like forever, and I’m still going.

I don’t know how to get over this bump in the road.

There is so much I want to do for myself, and I feel like my career has been put on hold for so long, and I know that it is my fault.

But I’ve made strides to better my situation in the past and I feel like now I’m just stuck and safe.

I get worried that my dream of being a writer will never happen for me.

I know I have to push myself, and when I lack motivation, I need to learn to push past it.

But it’s difficult. For sure.

I don’t know where to start.

How to change.

I’m always buying, and doing for something else, that it’s easy for me to forget or slack on going after what I really want for myself.

I need to learn how to prioritize.

I need to learn how to use my time wisely.

I need to plan accordingly and not let myself get stuck in my comfort zone.

I need to realize that the change is within me, and no one else.

I can’t keep saying I’m stressed and overwhelmed and then just shut down.

Because what good is that then?

I can’t just keep going through the everyday routine without any progress or change.

But I don’t know how to do that.

And this is not a “feel bad for me” post, this is literally my way of trying to sort this mess out.

I know I will, I’ve done so in the past.

One day things just clicked and did what I had to do even though it was scary…even though it was hard.

So I’m hoping I get my click into place day soon.

Thanks for letting me vent, friends.

And if you can relate, tell me in the comments how you push past that feeling stuck feeling!

XO

Michelle

 

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

-<3-

 

 

 

 

A little bit of everything…

Hi friends,

I have to admit there’s a lack of inspiration for me right now. Maybe it’s exhaustion, maybe it’s hormonal, maybe it’s laziness, or stress. I don’t know. But I’m in a funk and I just need to work through it. It’ll pass, I know it will. It always does.

But in the mean time, I don’t want to slack on this blog either so…let’s chat.

I’ve been thinking about where my life is going, lately. A lot of reflection is creeping in, and not exactly warranted. I say that because I’d kind of rather not go there. Because I know along with that reflection will come some harsh realities. Things I need to be working harder on. The list is long. And I have a tendency to really overthink and get myself all anxious which is of no use, because then I tend to retreat and shut down, getting nothing done.

When I think back to how hopeful the new year seemed, and where I am now, it seems like too different worlds. But I think that’s kind of how it always is. I make these big grand lists of things I want to change or do or accomplish and then I lose track and momentum and end up falling into old habits. I know we all do it, but I just wish I could avoid getting into these slumps. They suck.

Granted I think I have made some progress in personal growth this year so far, but I still think there are a lot of things I could be doing to feel even better about my life and where I’m heading.

I just turned 26 and so naturally, I’m thinking about my future and what I want for myself. I want to be a writer for television and film. And yet I’m still in a part-time job, it’s writing and film related but not a career for me. I want to get married and have children and start a family some day, and yet I’m still single and living home. It’s difficult when you start to look at your family and friends around you and suddenly feel like you missed something. Did I miss the course in life planning? Because I feel so far behind. It’s so easy for me to compare myself to them. So many people around me are getting engaged, married, pregnant. And here I am, doing the same ole same.

I don’t want this to sound like I’m feeling sorry for myself. If anything I feel like I’m kicking myself for not being more of a risk taker. I don’t hate my life. I don’t hate my job. (I actually really enjoy it!) I don’t hate being single. But I just know there’s more I want out of life. But where I am, is safe and comfortable. I’m content. But I’m not. Does that make any sense?

It’s like I reflect and feel like I’m missing so much. I’m not going for it. But then I look at where I’ve come from a few years ago, and I feel like I’ve tackled a lot of my anxiety. But now there are new challenges I must tackle, in order to allow myself to step into the next chapter of my life. And I think that’s realizing that I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and start accepting change. I’ve spoken about my fear of change HERE on this blog.

I was in church a few weeks ago, and I remember the priest giving his sermon and saying how God does not work on time. We work on time. But God doesn’t. So if we are asking for something and we want it to happen right now and it doesn’t, that does not mean it won’t. It just means that God knows it’s not the right “time,” and therefore maybe your not ready yet.

So I think I’m going to keep that little tidbit in my back pocket, for when I start to stress out about the future. And I hope if you can relate to this stress and fear of change that you hold onto this little fact too. Things will happen when they are supposed to. I know there are so many uncertainties; career, relationships, etc. But I have to just trust that God’s got me. He knows what’s in my heart and what it wants and when the “time” is right all will fall into place. I just need to do some rearranging and prioritizing on my end. Wish me luck! 😉

To my fellow 20 somethings, Don’t Stop Believing!

xo

Michelle Leigh

 

-<3-

 

The walls I’ve built.

 Why is this so difficult for me?

I feel as though I fear the truth.

Some untold story, hidden within.

To have to face the reality that I waited far too long.

Haven’t been diligent enough.

Been closed off.

Unapproachable.

Other opinions twisted and swirling in my mind.

Feeling as a judgement placed on my heart and character.

Am I incapable of change?

Void of something.

Trying to fill it elsewhere.

Making excuses.

Placing blame.

Afraid of intimacy.

Afraid that he won’t understand the journey I’ve struggled through.

Or lack thereof one.

Privacy will be gone?

Insecurities will be high.

Lessons learned.

Through the observant eye.

A new anxiety producer.

Hard work down the drain.

Something wanted and waited for my whole life.

When opportunities knock, why retreat?

Love.

Falling in.

Falling out?

Forever?

Is there such a thing?

I’d like to think so.

A romantic at heart.

A sarcastic cynic in mind.

What ifs are the luggage I carry with me everywhere.

The barrier which stops the leap.

I sit with myself, still unsure.

Still confused.

Stuck between yes and no.

Between “go for it” and motivational self-made pep-talks…

And crimpling self-doubt.

Stubborn to a fault at times.

Open to new possibilities at others.

The inner struggle- a tug of war with myself.

In the end… it’s up to me.

Can I break these walls, let the light shine through.

And if it should only shine but for a brief day, can I find my sunshine again.

If light goes dim, can I find the switch in the next room.

In times I have rushed myself before my heart was truly ready.

Jumping before my mind and heart have reached a compromise have never proven my best strategy.

The journey is to be continued.

And I am a work in progress.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m calling off all bets.

It means I’m going to bet on myself.

Trust myself.

Sit with myself.

Stay tuned.

This is my next chapter.

My next anxiety.

My next lesson.

2017.

I see you.

And I raise you a glass of change.

Cheers.

-<3-

 

 

 

For my creative souls out there

QUICK BLOG UPDATE:

Hey guys!

Before I get into what this post in actually titled. I just wanted to clue you in on some things. I have been vlogging as mentioned, but I haven’t edited anything yet,(things have been busy and this holiday season has me exhausted.) So the vlogs will be up at a later date. I have more footage than I thought-initially I planned to just do one massive vlog, but at this rate-it would end up being really long-so I’m probably going to have to break them into smaller vlogs.

Also today I did a lot of ground work for the writing of  my newest short story series; Welcome Home. Good stuff coming your way…and I will be posting a new chapter soon.

poster-1

XO

Michelle

*******************************************************************

Dear Creative Souls,

It’s a beautiful thing when it just comes naturally isn’t it. When that light sparks and a fire is ignited inside you and your fingers can’t type as fast as your mind is going.

It’s such a rush and that’s when you feel like you are doing what you were always meant to do.

But, sadly it isn’t always that easy. In fact more than likely it’s a difficult task to handle on the regular.

I’ve always been creative. Even as a kid, I was always pretending and playing.

And I have always said that if I had a job that I really loved, it wouldn’t feel like work to me.

But you know what -being creative is work. It is some of the hardest work you can do.

It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. So much of your heart is displayed to the world for other people to comment on and critique.

And when the inspiration and the ideas stop, the failure you feel is much more personal and internal, than if you just failed at a regular job related task.

So what do we do when we lack inspiration? When our lights go dim?

Do we give up?

Are we supposed to just accept this fate.

This momentary lack of inspiration.. is it going to be forever?

There are so many creative people in this world, who have missed their calling.

Or who have moved on from their creative talents, because it wasn’t the sensible or “adult” thing to do. Because life pushed them into a corner and they needed to stray away to make ends meet.

It’s no secret that the creative souls struggle. We put ourselves in unhappy circumstances sometimes. We let our creative souls suffer. We sit behind a desk, we turn into daily robots, and crunch numbers.

It’s no place for a creative soul.

I see emotion in things. Love.

I see colors. I see patterns.

I’m trained to analyze and to dig deeper.

What is the meaning behind it all?

So much beauty comes from art, film, music, photography, writing.

These things we treasure, these things we used to escape our stresses.

These enjoyments.

Yet these are the people who struggle most to make a living.

The cost of life is higher than ever, and gone is the artistic feel at times.

It’s all about the benjamins.

I understand money is important.

Do it for the green.

But if something isn’t right and you feel it in your soul, you are doing it wrong.

It’s time to find that passion you once knew.

Weather it’s painting a blank canvas. Or writing that book you always wanted to write.

Stay in the crummy job, stick it out.

But only long enough until you find  some place else to turn to, a job that feeds your creativity.

Because we can’t let the arts die.

I work with kids and I can see how it’s changed.

It’s all academic.

You ask a math question. A million hands go up.

You ask them to talk about their likes, their interests, they freeze.

It’s uncool to be creative, since when?

It fills me with such joy, when I see a child express their creativity, when they are proud of a product they’ve created.

That’s what being a kid, is all about.

It’s that piece of child that should stay within us always.

Allowing anything less, is stealing childhood moments from them, they can’t get back.

So what do we do here?

When we start to notice that artists get the short end of the stick?

So many artists have back up plans-in case.

Why can’t being an artist be the goal, the attainable goal?

This itch to create, to move onto more…to keep going-to climb out of our rut.

Those are the real signs.

They are the pushes.

It’s so easy to get comfortable in life, to feel safe.

To settle.

But when you think about that, is that really living?

What would the artist in your soul do?

Think about it.

-<3-

 

 

 

 

 

Change.

Hi friends,

I know it’s been a minute. I am sorry. Every time I attempt to work on a post or even think about working on one, I would get discouraged or sidetracked. Holiday season, work, amongst personal changes have sort of taken over. It’s a mixture of an artistic slump and a life slump. But if you follow me, you do know that this blog means alot to me, and I always come back no matter how long I’ve been away. Because in my heart…I’m a writer and I am always writing a story in my head. So I’m going to hit you with a little emotional rant of sorts.

***************

Change.

Why is it that word scares us so?

What about it instills that fear in us?

Unfamiliarity.

Insecurity.

Loss of control.

Why is it that anytime you get comfortable in your day to day…life has a way of just throwing a pie right in your face?

I love pie, but not change. (lol)

The intelligent, rational side of me understands that change is part of the natural progression of life.

It’s not only predetermined to happen, it has to.

What’s that saying?

You can’t look backward, only forward.

It feels like you blink and you miss it.

I have no idea how time escaped me.

I feel like I’ve always said…when I grow up I want to do this and be that and live here…

And yet then I woke up and realized I’m 25 and still trying to get my life together.

But then there’s this…

I think what gets me most is when it all happens at once.

All the change hits you and your not as ready as you thought you were.

I’ve always been a- dance to the beat of my own drum kid.

I never liked to do things just to do them.

They needed to be backed by an emotion or a need.

My heart had to sit with it, for a while, before a decision was made.

And I am still that way.

Risk taker isn’t a word I’d use to describe myself.

However, as part of my discovery into myself and my self growth, I’ve learned that risk taking is how you get places.

And so I’ve been practicing just that.

That realization.

That’s when I want to run…far…away…away from everyone and everything and just be.

Be safe and in my comfort zone.

Last year I felt really inspired and worked on alot of self-growth.

This year- felt a little less inspiring.

Not in the sense that I wasn’t happy, or enjoying life.

Just in the sense that life just kind of flew by.

I guess it’s not so bad that I’m busy.

I struggled for so long to find work, that I am very happy and humbled to be employed and actually enjoying what I do, even if it’s not a lifelong career, I am learning about myself and what I am capable of.

But as the year ends and the New Year will soon be rolling in, we are conditioned to reflect on our lives over the past year.

And mine, I gotta say is kind of a blur.

Good, happy, exciting things happened, and are still happening, but I find myself a little stuck.

I feel like I’m just going through the motions each day.

There’s a routine and I’m ok with it, but now my thoughts of the future and where I’m going next are stirring up again.

Work, school, relationships with my loved ones.

Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

I have so much I still want to work on.

How do I achieve my true happiness?

I don’t think that’s a definitive destination.

I think happiness is ever changing.

There’s that word again.

There are always going to be two sides to every coin.

Good days and bad days.

We aren’t always going to be smiling.

Sometimes we’ll cry and sometimes we’ll feel the weight of those tears in our souls.

And sometimes we take that as a sign that we are broken.

Who ever said that crying was a sign of weakness?

Shame of you.

I see your bottled up feelings, and I raise you a pack of Kleenex.

I’ve cried in front of rooms full of people, and still lived to tell the story.

Who’s tough?

There are things that I thought I would have accomplished by now in my life.

There are places I thought I’d be by now.

25 isn’t exactly the youngest number.

And it isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know maybe it’s just the time of year that stirs up all of this.

Or maybe it’s something to think about and really figure out.

I know I will always keep striving and going, it’s just that change scares me so much.

Add anxiety, stress and certain insecurities to that and it can be crippling.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back and ask for a re-d0.

Maybe I would have done a few things differently.

But then again, I do think that this is my journey.

It’s unlike anyone else’s and it may not be perfect-

but it was meant to be mine, and no matter how scary and painful the struggles I’ve dealt with may have been, I found a way to overcome them.

And although a work in progress-

I am so much stronger because of them.

If I’ve learned anything from where I’ve been, it’s that I was born to be a success story.

And so are you.

xo

Michelle Leigh

Hang in there my fellow 20-somethings!

New Year, clean slate, make new memories.

 

-<3-