Why is this so difficult for me?
I feel as though I fear the truth.
Some untold story, hidden within.
To have to face the reality that I waited far too long.
Haven’t been diligent enough.
Been closed off.
Other opinions twisted and swirling in my mind.
Feeling as a judgement placed on my heart and character.
Am I incapable of change?
Void of something.
Trying to fill it elsewhere.
Afraid of intimacy.
Afraid that he won’t understand the journey I’ve struggled through.
Or lack thereof one.
Privacy will be gone?
Insecurities will be high.
Through the observant eye.
A new anxiety producer.
Hard work down the drain.
Something wanted and waited for my whole life.
When opportunities knock, why retreat?
Is there such a thing?
I’d like to think so.
A romantic at heart.
A sarcastic cynic in mind.
What ifs are the luggage I carry with me everywhere.
The barrier which stops the leap.
I sit with myself, still unsure.
Stuck between yes and no.
Between “go for it” and motivational self-made pep-talks…
And crimpling self-doubt.
Stubborn to a fault at times.
Open to new possibilities at others.
The inner struggle- a tug of war with myself.
In the end… it’s up to me.
Can I break these walls, let the light shine through.
And if it should only shine but for a brief day, can I find my sunshine again.
If light goes dim, can I find the switch in the next room.
In times I have rushed myself before my heart was truly ready.
Jumping before my mind and heart have reached a compromise have never proven my best strategy.
The journey is to be continued.
And I am a work in progress.
But that doesn’t mean that I’m calling off all bets.
It means I’m going to bet on myself.
Sit with myself.
This is my next chapter.
My next anxiety.
My next lesson.
I see you.
And I raise you a glass of change.