MUSIC I fell in love with this Summer

MUSIC

Tori Kelly 

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Inspired by True Events [released August 2019]

So I actually saw Tori back in April for the her Acoustic Sessions- where she not only performed songs from her incredible Gospel album “Hiding Place”, but also a lot of unreleased music that she just recently released in this new project.

And holy crap…what an absolute masterpiece. Not only are the songs/lyrics incredible… but the concept “Inspired by True Events” is so beautiful and personal. She wrote from personal memories and she even included voice clips of her younger self. It’s just so amazing.

My favorite tracks are, Coffee, 2 Places, Kid I Used To Know, and Pretty Fades.

Shawn Mendes

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Self titled album [released May 2018…but it’s been releasing new material well into this year.]

My favorite tracks include, Senorita, If I Can’t Have You, Fallin’ All In You, Where Were You In The Morning, Nervous, Particular Taste [Gives me serious Prince vibes!], Mutual,  Queen and When You’re Ready [That’s like the whole album LOLOL, omg I told you I LOVE his music.]

The Shawn Mendes Tour

I saw Shawn in concert at Barclay’s Center on August 23rd. I randomly bought tickets because it dawned on me how much I love his music- I’ve been listening since Handwritten, yo! I also became obsessed with his new single “If I Can’t Have You.” So my friend and I were super excited to get our cougar on, and go and sing our asses off with all the little teens. Fun Fact: we were those some older girls a few years back when we went to see Justin Bieber. Haha.

However, I promised you the full concert experience story so here it goes…

Shawn Mendes was AMAZING! Such a stinking cutie pie. I know I have a few years on him, but I have such a stinking crush on this cutie! If only I was 21 again. 😉 Boy can SING! And his music is so damn good. I kind of was hoping for a Camila Cabello surprise, but she wasn’t there. He did do a short mash up of Senorita/I Know What You Did Last Summer, but we definitely missed Camila. He shortened the songs significantly. He also surprised us with a coldplay cover and a FREAKIN WHITNEY HOUSTON cover. LIKE BOY….WHAT? He definitely put on a great show.

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BUT had it not been for one sweet woman who exchanged our seats for closer ones, I think I might have had a panic attack in that arena in the upper level. I had purchased tickets in section 206, because frankly it was all I could afford. The structure is INSANELY dangerous. Walking up those stairs was terrifying. I just tried to keep my cool, because it would have been very easy to let my anxiety take over. But I knew I had to keep it together, if I had any chance of enjoying the show.

My friend has a fear of heights (which sadly I did not know, otherwise I never would have bought those seats!) and so I realized quickly we needed to do something. Thankfully she came up with the idea to see if we could get our seats changed. And so the craziness continued. Not only did the venue let us in later than they should (seriously how do they expect thousands of people to be seated in 10-15 minutes/security check alone was like 10!), and they let us in a weird side entrance where we could not catch an elevator, escalators weren’t working and there was no one really telling us where to go. We had to walk up flights of stairs to get to our seats, not to mention that you had to walk a marathon to get food. All of this drama, causing so many people to miss the opening act- Alessia Cara. I heard her and caught a few bits, she was AMAZING. WHAT A DAMN VOICE. SHE SANG “How Far I’ll Go” from MOANA! #FEELS

I have to say in an emergency situation, I would not have felt safe in that arena. It just seemed like no one cared.

Anyway once we let Alessia’s set finish, I knew we had a small window to change our situation before Shawn took the stage. So my friend and I had to look for an usher, yes WE HAD TO LOOK FOR THEM, and ask if we could get our seats changed. I have to be honest, I didn’t think that was a thing. But my friend was like, we have to try, and she was right, the longer we sat up in those steep seats, the scarier it got. We definitely would not have felt safe to get up, let alone dance.

So the usher (although nice) told us he couldn’t help us and to go to guest services, to which the man there kept ignoring our complaints stating, “you don’t have a disability,” so he can’t help me. I was pissed.

So finally another woman told us to try the box office. We get to the box office and they tell us to go to guest services, and I was like “no, we were just there, they sent us here.” She almost told us there’s nothing they can do, that all we can do is purchase ANOTHER ticket. MIND you those nose bleeds seats COSTED $85. I was like “That’s insane, we paid to be here, and we can’t sit there, I’m not asking you to give me some crazy front row seats, we just have to get out of ours.” The woman was very understanding, but you could tell she was not sure if she could help us, claiming that guest services keeps sending people to her. So, this is not the first complaint they’ve gotten. If you have vertigo, you’d probably pass out up there. I mean I myself almost had a panic attack up there, it was so scary. Anway,  the woman came back a few minutes later with two tickets, saying, “It’s your lucky day.” And it got me thinking, how many people who complained weren’t THAT lucky.

There really should be a change made. I know we are not the first people to complain about the steep seating. Not to mention that Barclays Center actually has a policy that says special accommodations can be made at the venue day of. I understand anxiety may not be a disability, but it IS real. We happen to get “lucky” that the seats we were given were being saved for someone who didn’t show. We went from section 206 to 124, and it was AMAZING. We were able to dance freely and enjoy the rest of our night…thankfully. Just out of curiosity I looked up our tickets…and they were about $200+. THAT’s INSANE. I guess safety costs! HUH?

I’ll just leave this article HERE. Because I am not the only one who feels this way. Concerts are supposed to be a fun experience not a dangerous one. (And no I wasn’t drinking, (and my friend barely finished hers because she got so anxious from the seating) I can only imagine how many people have fallen because of the combination of alcohol and steep seating.)

^ The left we were sitting way high up in the nose bleeds. The right we were in our new seats.^

From all these pictures you would never know the kind of concert experience we had! I may not be a fan of the venue, but I am a fan of the very sweet woman who accommodated us when no one else would. I will NEVER purchase tickets that high up again, and if this venue wasn’t so convenient for me to go to, I probably would never purchase tickets there again at all. An unforgettable night for sure, a list of things that went wrong. But girl, we hung in and we conquered it! #FightForYourHealth #Memories #AnxietyIsReal #SafetyIsAPriority

Shawn is a class act, the arena lit up beautifully with everyone wearing the bracelets they gave us as we walked in. And Shawn barely ever left the stage, performing an epic 23 song set! He is an insane talent. THAT is what I am choosing to focus on, that in the end, we were STILL able to have a good time. I just hope that Barclays takes measures to create a safer environment for concert goers.

 

Set list (via setlist.fm)

Lost in Japan

There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back

Nervous

Stitches

Señorita / I Know What You Did Last Summer

Mutual

Bad Reputation

Never Be Alone

B-Stage:
I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)
(Whitney Houston cover)

A Little Too Much / Because I Had You / Patience / When You’re Ready

Life of the Party

Like to Be You

Ruin

A-Stage:
Treat You Better

Particular Taste

Where Were You in the Morning?

Fallin’ All in You

Youth

If I Can’t Have You

Why

Mercy

Encore:
Fix You
(Coldplay cover)
In My Blood

By the way…Here was my concert going outfit. I was really excited about it!

I basically just wanted an all black base so I could rock this funky kimono. And of course I did gold jewelry and gold nails. Mind you, I was on a budget and this WHOLE outfit (aside from the bag and jewelry which I already had) costed me about $40! I think it kinda turned out pretty cool! 🙂

Taylor Swift

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Lover [released August 2019]

We know how I feel about this new album!

***** 5 Stars!!!

My favorite tracks include- I Forgot That You Existed, The Man, I Think He Knows, False God & Afterglow. But honestly I love every single track. Her lyrics are GOLD! She truly was born to do this!

Ed Sheeran

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No. 6 Collaborations Project [released July 2019]

Some of my favorite tracks are Beautiful People ft. Khalid, South of the Border ft. Camila Cabello & Cardi B., I Don’t Care with Justin Bieber (of course cuz it’s a JAM!), I Don’t Want Your Money ft. H.E.R, Put It All On Me ft. Ella Mai [this gives me suchBlackstreet & Mya-“Take me there”/City High “What would you do” vibes and the very beginning of this track is very “My whole life has changed” by Ginuwine.

Ok so I know I’ve been sleeping on this album and I’m kind of mad at myself because I consider myself an Ed Sheeran fan. He is actually on my concert bucket list, along with Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars and Joy Williams (previously known as 1/2 of The Civil Wars). I had given it a quick listen one day, but didn’t really let it sink in, but recently I have just been playing it at random times, and I mean I totally dig the concept of creating a full album of collabs. He really collaborated with such a variety of artists and he killed it. He really can do anything. Such an incredible artist. I’m just going to leave you with this Dublin concert video, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched this in the past….him and a loop pedal…EPIC!

The Jonas Brothers

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Happiness Begins [released June 2019]

So this was a THING! The brothers reunited musically after being separated for the past 6 years. I wasn’t A HUGE DIE HARD fan of the JoBros, but I did vibe with them and their music. I LOVED their A Little Bit Longer Album and I’ve loved their solo music too. When I heard they reunited, my boy band loving heart was HAPPY. If tickets were cheaper, I’d probably go see them just to fill my boy band void. #IMLOOKINGATYOU*NSYNC

My favorite tracks include, Sucker (OBVI…it’s a damn BOP!), Only Human (loved it before it was a single), I Believe, Used To Be, and Rollercoaster.

I really like this album. Do it JOBROS! I know it’s been a minute, but I love that they are brothers/family first.

 

You can listen to these albums on Spotify, iTunes, YouTube, etc.

 

*I do not take credit for any album art used.*

*All other images are my own.*

-<3-

 

 

 

Fear of not being liked…

Hi all.

I don’t even know if anyone follows me closely enough here at michelle leigh writes to know or care that I’ve been gone for quite some time. But numbers, they don’t matter much to me. I know, that the universe will place my words into the lives of the people who need it, or who can relate to it. I have faith.

But it has been a while- a little over a month since my last post. I‘ve been overwhelmed with a lot of things lately, and just making my family and friends my priority.

But every now and then, the creative soul in me starts to feel neglected. My writer’s hand, starts to twitch. That being said, I’ve felt this way for quite a bit, but yet every time I try to sit and write something, nothing suitable comes. It’s either too personal, or I don’t get past the first few words. Night after night has gone by and I struggle with the typical creative soul dilemma- do I write something, anything, to just have something to post. Or do I wait until it’s what I want. Wait until it’s “perfect.” But we all know how that goes. 

So I’m coming to you now, with a little bit of honesty and self reflection. I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with something for quite some time. For probably my whole life. So I thought I’d share.

I have this need to please people. To be liked, by everyone. I understand that is unrealistic, but it’s my truth. The idea of someone talking about me in a negative way causes me incredible anxiety. I’m an anxious person to begin with. I’m a sensitive personality. I take EVERYTHING to heart. I constantly question myself, I overanalyze everything I say, or do. And it is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting. I’m not perfect, sometimes I snap at people for no good reason, sometimes I over react. Sometimes I say things without thinking. The list goes on. And it’s not intentional, it’s human. 

It makes me angry that I feel like I have to fit into this box. Other people’s version of perfection. I care so much about what other people think. And because of that I think that hinders, my ability to let myself grow and become the person I know I can be, the person I want to be. It makes me question myself, why I do what I do, if I do it because I genuinely want to or because I feel like it’ll make me look or be perceived a certain way. Or something even more simpler, I won’t wear a certain thing, in fear that someone will judge it or make fun of me for it. I won’t chime into a conversation if I feel like someone will question me or judge what I have to say. I hate confrontation. The idea of someone getting hurt because of me, pains me more than when I get hurt myself. Because I know what it’s like to feel hurt and I am empathetic sometimes to a fault. I am constantly apologizing for being myself. And I just don’t feel like that’s ok. People are not perfect. I am not perfect. 

I don’t necessarily know why I am this way. I guess its just the way I’m wired. But I can’t seem to shake it. And it SUCKS. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming and I criticize myself into an anxious mess. 

At the root of everything, at the core, in my heart I know I have so much potential. I know I can do so much more than I am doing. I know I’m still discovering the dreams I hold deep in my heart. I know I’m a good hearted person just trying my best to get through each day. I’ve been fearful, I’ve been playing it safe. I’ve been anxious and not wanting to change. I’ve been scared to disappoint people or hurt people’s feelings. I’ve been human.  

Usually I end these rants with some silver lining, some hopeful anecdote. Some kind of pep talk. But this is something I am still struggling with, I can’t undo this in a day, a month, or even a year. This is something I need to continuously work on. And I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else struggles with this too?

Do you have to be liked by everyone? How do you react to confrontation?

-<3-

 

 

 

Hi, I’m still here…

People, people, people…how the heck are ya?

I can once again apologize for being MIA/inconsistent and follow it up with a whole “I’m back” spiel. But I just wouldn’t be telling the truth. I’ve been all over the place, I can’t even remember what I was doing  a few weeks ago. This year is flying by and I can’t even believe we are already in April.

There are many reasons for my inconsistencies here on this blog. I always attempt to stick to a Monday/Thursday post schedule, but now I’m lucky if I get one post up a week, I get really super duper lucky if I get two up even on any random two days. That’s kind of why you’ll see a random Sunday post pop up, or a Tuesday post sneak in. Because I just so happened to have some time to do it that day. To be honest, I haven’t been writing much at all. And I just realized how much I’ve missed it.

Needless to say, I still haven’t gotten back into it. I stand in front of a classroom asking students to write and trying to inspire their creativity and yet I feel like a hypocrite because I myself feel so uninspired.

In February I hit a slump. And it pretty much lasted all through March too. The goals and ideas I had in the beginning of the year went out the window, and the promises I made to myself soon became forgotten.

I guess you can say that’s normal right? We often leave our resolutions in the dust of the January’s left over glitter.

But this felt different.

It felt like I was just constantly going through the motions of what I had to do. Then I got hit with a period of time where I was sick on an off for weeks. First I was treated for a sinus infection. Then after a bunch of back and forth between my doctor and urgent care, I was finally treated for the flu (as a precaution) and strep throat. To say I was done was an understatement. I was taking so many different medications and constantly feeling like I wasn’t present, feeling like my chest was so heavy and like I couldn’t breathe right. I stayed in bed for most of my days. I was even sick for my 27th Birthday. Super fun. Side Note: My mom did make me a kick ass chicken and waffles dinner though, which I was happy I at least got to taste a little. On top of it all, mother nature decided to rain on my pity parade and grace me with her presence.

So I was a mess. I was emotional, I was sick, I didn’t feel well physically or mentally. And because of all of that my anxiety was in full force, I felt like I was going insane. I just didn’t feel like myself for weeks. I really felt like I was spiraling into this weird depression, where I felt like there was something really wrong with me. Soon enough I started to come out of it and even though I’m not 100% out of my funk, I can safely say I feel 100% better than I did a few weeks ago. It’s so crazy the things that your mind can put you through. I was so frustrated at how I was feeling, because I knew the rationality was that I was sick and on medication and dealing with lady problems (lol) and I knew it was just the combination that was making me feel funky. My brain kept telling me not to make such a big deal of it all. People get sick, you’ll be better in a week. But my anxiety turned it into so much more. 

I recently had off of work so I tried to cram a bunch of things into my week. Including meeting up with a few friends. And out of all the ladies that I spoke with, we all were feeling the same way. Stressed, anxious, unlike ourselves. And it got me thinking…you are never alone in what you feel. There is always someone who has felt or is feeling what you have/are feeling. 

When you deal with anxiety, you become this prisoner in your own mind. As my friend put it, you start to live in your head. And although the mind is a beautiful, powerful thing, it can also be something that can literally break you down and tear you apart because it’s so powerful.

So that brings me to my next point. Seasonal depression is a thing.

Seasonal Depression is also known as –Seasonal affective disorder– A mood disorder characterized by depression that occurs at the same time every year.

*Usually self-diagnosable
*Symptoms include: fatigue, depression, hopelessness, and social withdrawal.
*People may experience:
Mood: anxiety, apathy, general discontent, loneliness, loss of interest, mood swings, or sadness
Sleep: excess sleepiness, insomnia, or sleep deprivation
Whole body: appetite changes or fatigue
Behavioral: irritability or social isolation
Also common: depression, lack of concentration, or weight gain

And when it comes to the Winter season (especially in New York) you can gather how many people may be experiencing this. It stays cold and dark out longer, there’s less opportunities to go out and experience sunlight. Often people stay in doors to avoid the cold temperatures or the snow. You know the snow that falls in March and April when it should be Spring. And your social life becomes sullen. Your left with isolation at times and if you deal with anxiety- your worry sets in and you begin to drown in your racing thoughts. Not to mention that NY whether is so unpredictable that you could be thinking Spring is right around the corner, wearing light jackets and then it snows and you need a winter coat again in a day.  That’s enough to put anyone’s body in shock and confusion. Not to mention that the flu season this year has been atrocious. EVERYONE has been getting sick. Gosh, I really thought I was going to escape it, I usually have a strong immune system. But in general my anxiety has peeked these past few months and I imagine that left me a little more susceptible. Never the less, I am slowly, but surely coming out of my funk, and I am finally starting to feel like myself again, and it is time I try to manage my time wisely.

So I won’t make any promises here. I am actually going to just say now that the Monday/Thursday schedule is on hold for now. I will try my best to at least post once a week. I just have a lot going on with weddings, and showers, and family and work and I realize I can’t always be perfect at doing it all at once. And that’s okay. We all could benefit from giving ourselves a little grace at times. At the end of the day, you can only try your best.

But as I said before, I do miss writing, so I’m hoping to make it more of a priority for me. 

Talk soon.

xo Michelle 

-<3-

 

 

For My Future Daughter

One day, I hope to be a mom, and I thought about what I would want to say to my own daughter. The advice I would give her. Here it is…                                                                                                              

 

                                                                                                                              March 19, 2018

Dear Sweet Girl,

I know life isn’t always going to be easy for you. I know jobs will be hard to find and boys will break your heart. And people you are close to will disappoint you at times. Myself included, sadly. No one is perfect.

If you are anything like me, I know insecurity will find you and you will have to fight to see the silver lining in every bad day. I know you will question your faith in times of pain and grief. And wonder what your true purpose is.

I know you may fight your anxiety everyday like I do and I also know that you can and you will win.

My hope is that you never have to deal with any of these hardships. That you are forever cast with a smile on your face. But living in this world, I know that is unfortunately an unrealistic notion. There will be bad days. There will be sad days.

I know that you will be so loved by so many, that you will feel like you have to always be good and “perfect.” To always say/do the right thing. Your self awareness and self consciousness will be both a weakness and a strength for you. But your heart is so big.

Just breathe my girl and you will get through it all-one foot at a time. One day at a time. Because you are a force to be reckoned with. You are your own heroine. The star of your own sold out show. You can be anything you want to be.

Never let anyone tell you different or try to dull the sparkle that surrounds your very soul. And please… never stop dreaming.

 

                                                                                                                               Love You Always,

                                                                                                                               Mom ❤  

Summer Time Changes- Let’s Talk

summer-tag-copy[1]I think it’s safe to say, Summer is here and kicking. The 4th is tomorrow and that right there is the epitome of Summer to me. The weather is hot, school is out and life becomes this different existence. Everything is slightly more laid back- or at least it’s supposed to be.

For me, Summer is a bit of an anxiety stressor. My job changes a little bit and I get placed in a new environment, working with new people for the duration of the summer. So that feels like an uproot, and something new I have to get used to all over again. Last year it was actually a really pleasant change and so this year I’m hoping for the same. I’m pretty optimistic that it will be and that’s a good feeling. 🙂

I also don’t do well in the heat so that’s another reason why Summer brings upon anxiety for me. Along with having this extra time during this season, there’s a lot of pressure to make use of everyday and do fun exciting things, everyday. Raise your hand if you’ve compared yourself to anyone on social media lately? #Guilty. I’m sorry I don’t have that kind of money to just be jumping flights, here and there. I have a lot going on in my life that I need to be saving up for, so unfortunately vacationing isn’t in the stars for me. And that sucks, but it’s my reality and that’s ok. Everyone’s life is different.

I think I’m learning to balance my boundaries. Sometimes I know I can push through my anxiety and sometimes I know I have to pull back and give myself a beat. And knowing that has made an incredible difference in my life. This notion is certainly a work in progress, but it’s coming along slowly.

It’s ok, to take breaks. It’s ok, to push yourself a bit, you will learn what you can handle. It’s ok, to say no. It’s ok, to strive for change. And it’s ok, to be afraid of that change, and still go for it anyway. My whole life I thought that I couldn’t use the words risk taker to describe myself. I’m taking that back. Recently I died my hair blue. BLUE! (No not my whole head…they’ll be a post coming soon!) But I have freakin’ blue hair right now and I’m just doing things I’ve been wanting to do for myself.  Different things. I’m just going for it! Sometimes I feel guilty, like wait that’s too much money or I should be here or there or doing this or that. But then I think wait- why can’t if do this for me? It’s allowed! There’s nothing wrong with caring about yourself or the things your passionate about. 

I’ve also been thinking about huge life changes lately. Some will take a while to accomplish, but the building blocks can start now. The other day I was told; “you seem optimistic and seem to be accepting change.” This was an incredible thing for me to hear from another person who knows me and knows how my life is and the things I struggle with. Change is literally the reason why I realized I have anxiety. Anytime change is upon me, my anxiety can peek. It doesn’t always, but if I’m anxious it’s usually because of some change happening in my life.

I’m at a point in my life, where I can see things a tiny bit clearer and the things I want out of life. The things I want for myself. And sometimes that means being a little selfish and doing my own thing. I hate how some may take offense to that,  because it is not intention. But I think that now is the only time I have to be selfish. Other people do it, why can’t I? And that’s not a dig at anyone, it’s just an observation. Once I’m older, and have a family of my own things will be very different. And my husband and my children will be my priority. So now this is my time to sort myself out so that dream of having that life when I’m older can eventually come true. I don’t want to sit back 10 or 15 years from now and regret not going after the things I wanted. I don’t want to resent my family. So this is the time to get my  mind right and just do my thing.

I’m trying to tackle the things that scare me. Granted, I have my days when I falter and I let that fear hold me back, or I allow the laziness of summer overcome me. But I’m keeping high expectations for myself this summer. There are so many things I want to accomplish on a personal and professional level that I am making strides toward those goals already.

I’ve always wanted to write a pilot script for this tv show I’ve had running in my head for YEARS-since high school. The show is written in shifts and on random papers all over my house-some are on my computer- it’s all over the place. I’ve never written a concise first episode. There’s no organization and I am all about organizing this summer. My planner and inspiration notebook are my best friends! So that ish, is getting written THIS SUMMER. I’ve started to do my research, surprisingly I know a lot of the things I’ve found out which makes me feel kind of good. But there was also a ton I didn’t know- things I’m still learning, still researching. Oh you mean I have an excuse to watch television. Awesome! 😉 Your never going to stop learning, ever. Life is full of lessons.

So there’s that big change happening. Which is huge for me, because researching my craft has always been scary for me. I can’t exactly explain it. It was, I guess something I loved so much, that I was scared that if I researched it I would find out how little I know, or how far from my dream I actually am. But my mind set is different now and I realize that I can’t get there if I don’t try. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it to where I want to be. I don’t know if I will ever get my dream of creating my own tv show. But the show is not ever going to leave my heart or my brain. It could be months, and then a story will pop into my head for one of my characters and I will have to revisit that world. Or a line will pop into my head and I will go-“Oh my god that would be the perfect thing for Travis to say to Sara.” (Shhh Spoilers!) 😉

I’ve been thinking more seriously about my next move. About my career long term. I love where I work right now. I know I haven’t given exact details of my work, but that’s because I truly believe in respecting privacy and I want to remain professional. But basically I do work in a school setting teaching creative subjects like writing, and film. And I think it’s been an eye opening experience for me. You really can learn by teaching.

I have a lot of creative projects I am tinkering with this Summer too. I’m not going to reveal them, because I don’t want to jinx them, or put extra pressure on myself to finish them all. I will overwhelm myself with an over extensive to do list, I know this. So let’s just say that my main creative goal is to get my pilot script written and keep learning more and more about writing and working in television.

I would love to track that process on here for you guys to see, but to also be able to reflect back on it and see how I progressed. I hope you’ll come along on this journey with me.

Happy Summer!

XO

Michelle Leigh

More than my anxiety…

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My anxiety

the overwhelming fear that something, somehow can go horribly wrong

I will not have someone to turn to

to help me

No one will understand

They will think I am crazy or strange

Heat prickling feeling

Heart palpitations

Heavy chest

Hands shaking

Fidgeting

Light headedness

Shortness of breath

Out of body

I’m not here

Mind, and body in a state of Fight or Flight

Which will win today?

Missed opportunities

Try to plan ahead

Avoidance

No Rhyme or Reason

Logic lost

Please forgive my quiet tongue

Please forgive my unfocused gaze

I’m just trying not to fall apart in front of you

Trying to hush this struggle I deal with in my life

You may not always see it

You may not notice it

That doesn’t mean it’s not there

It’s real

Small places

Hot places

Crowded places

Underground

Harsh smells

Triggers

I can’t breathe

I need to leave

Wait, I must stay

I can do this

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe

Fight

1…2…3…

Count

Breathe

And then suddenly… it passes

And my world is normal again

I am more

More than my anxiety

More than my fear

I have a name

An identity that goes beyond this one word

I have dreams

I have goals

I have friends and family

I am a creative soul

I love the color blue

And chocolate chip cookies

I am more

And so are you…

*****

SIDENOTE:

For anyone who has anxiety and has had it overwhelm them to the point where they feel like it has stopped you from living your life, I can relate. I know what it’s like to try and find the source of your anxiety. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t and anxiety goes unexplained. Keep going! You got this. You can conquer it! One day at a time. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Always Breathe. You may feel like you can’t, but you can and you will. You control your mind. Let me know in the comments below, how you deal with anxiety and the ways you cope and overcome.

 

*I do not take credit for any photos used in my edits or otherwise.*

-<3-

 

 

 

 

“Ughhhhh” – A Monologue

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Do you ever just feel like screaming the words “Fuck you” at the stop of your lungs? No filter. No editing. Bare. Vulnerable. Loud. This life is so unnecessarily stressful, we are pulled every which way. Anxiety a burden. Minds racing to far past our feet. The high road is easier spoken then taken. When hearts become doormats for jealous shoes. When you are asked to simply just deal. And understand. The bigger people get shit on, always. And somehow the world has let that be ok. No… you’re stressing me out. Avoid the stress. When we learn to be adults then maybe this is something we can talk about. Silly things, childish fears. I’d rather not shed you the tears. I am who I am .I do what I do. I have the biggest heart, and it will always shine through. Try to shade me and it won’t work. Your façade is crumbling I see it in the dirt. I walk past and leave a trail of glitter. Because I have no time to spend on the hurt. The pain the sadness the taunting  you’ve created. This experience is now jaded. And now faded I feel. So I will walk away and hope that your heart heals. At the end of the day we can only be responsible for our own actions and whether or not we are adult enough to own them. 

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

-<3-