Poetry

The walls I’ve built.

michelleleighwrites Leave a comment

 Why is this so difficult for me?

I feel as though I fear the truth.

Some untold story, hidden within.

To have to face the reality that I waited far too long.

Haven’t been diligent enough.

Been closed off.

Unapproachable.

Other opinions twisted and swirling in my mind.

Feeling as a judgement placed on my heart and character.

Am I incapable of change?

Void of something.

Trying to fill it elsewhere.

Making excuses.

Placing blame.

Afraid of intimacy.

Afraid that he won’t understand the journey I’ve struggled through.

Or lack thereof one.

Privacy will be gone?

Insecurities will be high.

Lessons learned.

Through the observant eye.

A new anxiety producer.

Hard work down the drain.

Something wanted and waited for my whole life.

When opportunities knock, why retreat?

Love.

Falling in.

Falling out?

Forever?

Is there such a thing?

I’d like to think so.

A romantic at heart.

A sarcastic cynic in mind.

What ifs are the luggage I carry with me everywhere.

The barrier which stops the leap.

I sit with myself, still unsure.

Still confused.

Stuck between yes and no.

Between “go for it” and motivational self-made pep-talks…

And crimpling self-doubt.

Stubborn to a fault at times.

Open to new possibilities at others.

The inner struggle- a tug of war with myself.

In the end… it’s up to me.

Can I break these walls, let the light shine through.

And if it should only shine but for a brief day, can I find my sunshine again.

If light goes dim, can I find the switch in the next room.

In times I have rushed myself before my heart was truly ready.

Jumping before my mind and heart have reached a compromise have never proven my best strategy.

The journey is to be continued.

And I am a work in progress.

But that doesn’t mean that I’m calling off all bets.

It means I’m going to bet on myself.

Trust myself.

Sit with myself.

Stay tuned.

This is my next chapter.

My next anxiety.

My next lesson.

2017.

I see you.

And I raise you a glass of change.

Cheers.

-<3-

 

 

 

For my creative souls out there

michelleleighwrites Leave a comment

QUICK BLOG UPDATE:

Hey guys!

Before I get into what this post in actually titled. I just wanted to clue you in on some things. I have been vlogging as mentioned, but I haven’t edited anything yet,(things have been busy and this holiday season has me exhausted.) So the vlogs will be up at a later date. I have more footage than I thought-initially I planned to just do one massive vlog, but at this rate-it would end up being really long-so I’m probably going to have to break them into smaller vlogs.

Also today I did a lot of ground work for the writing of  my newest short story series; Welcome Home. Good stuff coming your way…and I will be posting a new chapter soon.

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XO

Michelle

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Dear Creative Souls,

It’s a beautiful thing when it just comes naturally isn’t it. When that light sparks and a fire is ignited inside you and your fingers can’t type as fast as your mind is going.

It’s such a rush and that’s when you feel like you are doing what you were always meant to do.

But, sadly it isn’t always that easy. In fact more than likely it’s a difficult task to handle on the regular.

I’ve always been creative. Even as a kid, I was always pretending and playing.

And I have always said that if I had a job that I really loved, it wouldn’t feel like work to me.

But you know what -being creative is work. It is some of the hardest work you can do.

It is mentally and emotionally exhausting. So much of your heart is displayed to the world for other people to comment on and critique.

And when the inspiration and the ideas stop, the failure you feel is much more personal and internal, than if you just failed at a regular job related task.

So what do we do when we lack inspiration? When our lights go dim?

Do we give up?

Are we supposed to just accept this fate.

This momentary lack of inspiration.. is it going to be forever?

There are so many creative people in this world, who have missed their calling.

Or who have moved on from their creative talents, because it wasn’t the sensible or “adult” thing to do. Because life pushed them into a corner and they needed to stray away to make ends meet.

It’s no secret that the creative souls struggle. We put ourselves in unhappy circumstances sometimes. We let our creative souls suffer. We sit behind a desk, we turn into daily robots, and crunch numbers.

It’s no place for a creative soul.

I see emotion in things. Love.

I see colors. I see patterns.

I’m trained to analyze and to dig deeper.

What is the meaning behind it all?

So much beauty comes from art, film, music, photography, writing.

These things we treasure, these things we used to escape our stresses.

These enjoyments.

Yet these are the people who struggle most to make a living.

The cost of life is higher than ever, and gone is the artistic feel at times.

It’s all about the benjamins.

I understand money is important.

Do it for the green.

But if something isn’t right and you feel it in your soul, you are doing it wrong.

It’s time to find that passion you once knew.

Weather it’s painting a blank canvas. Or writing that book you always wanted to write.

Stay in the crummy job, stick it out.

But only long enough until you find  some place else to turn to, a job that feeds your creativity.

Because we can’t let the arts die.

I work with kids and I can see how it’s changed.

It’s all academic.

You ask a math question. A million hands go up.

You ask them to talk about their likes, their interests, they freeze.

It’s uncool to be creative, since when?

It fills me with such joy, when I see a child express their creativity, when they are proud of a product they’ve created.

That’s what being a kid, is all about.

It’s that piece of child that should stay within us always.

Allowing anything less, is stealing childhood moments from them, they can’t get back.

So what do we do here?

When we start to notice that artists get the short end of the stick?

So many artists have back up plans-in case.

Why can’t being an artist be the goal, the attainable goal?

This itch to create, to move onto more…to keep going-to climb out of our rut.

Those are the real signs.

They are the pushes.

It’s so easy to get comfortable in life, to feel safe.

To settle.

But when you think about that, is that really living?

What would the artist in your soul do?

Think about it.

-<3-

 

 

 

 

 

Change.

michelleleighwrites 1 Comment

Hi friends,

I know it’s been a minute. I am sorry. Every time I attempt to work on a post or even think about working on one, I would get discouraged or sidetracked. Holiday season, work, amongst personal changes have sort of taken over. It’s a mixture of an artistic slump and a life slump. But if you follow me, you do know that this blog means alot to me, and I always come back no matter how long I’ve been away. Because in my heart…I’m a writer and I am always writing a story in my head. So I’m going to hit you with a little emotional rant of sorts.

***************

Change.

Why is it that word scares us so?

What about it instills that fear in us?

Unfamiliarity.

Insecurity.

Loss of control.

Why is it that anytime you get comfortable in your day to day…life has a way of just throwing a pie right in your face?

I love pie, but not change. (lol)

The intelligent, rational side of me understands that change is part of the natural progression of life.

It’s not only predetermined to happen, it has to.

What’s that saying?

You can’t look backward, only forward.

It feels like you blink and you miss it.

I have no idea how time escaped me.

I feel like I’ve always said…when I grow up I want to do this and be that and live here…

And yet then I woke up and realized I’m 25 and still trying to get my life together.

But then there’s this…

I think what gets me most is when it all happens at once.

All the change hits you and your not as ready as you thought you were.

I’ve always been a- dance to the beat of my own drum kid.

I never liked to do things just to do them.

They needed to be backed by an emotion or a need.

My heart had to sit with it, for a while, before a decision was made.

And I am still that way.

Risk taker isn’t a word I’d use to describe myself.

However, as part of my discovery into myself and my self growth, I’ve learned that risk taking is how you get places.

And so I’ve been practicing just that.

That realization.

That’s when I want to run…far…away…away from everyone and everything and just be.

Be safe and in my comfort zone.

Last year I felt really inspired and worked on alot of self-growth.

This year- felt a little less inspiring.

Not in the sense that I wasn’t happy, or enjoying life.

Just in the sense that life just kind of flew by.

I guess it’s not so bad that I’m busy.

I struggled for so long to find work, that I am very happy and humbled to be employed and actually enjoying what I do, even if it’s not a lifelong career, I am learning about myself and what I am capable of.

But as the year ends and the New Year will soon be rolling in, we are conditioned to reflect on our lives over the past year.

And mine, I gotta say is kind of a blur.

Good, happy, exciting things happened, and are still happening, but I find myself a little stuck.

I feel like I’m just going through the motions each day.

There’s a routine and I’m ok with it, but now my thoughts of the future and where I’m going next are stirring up again.

Work, school, relationships with my loved ones.

Where do I want to be? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be?

I have so much I still want to work on.

How do I achieve my true happiness?

I don’t think that’s a definitive destination.

I think happiness is ever changing.

There’s that word again.

There are always going to be two sides to every coin.

Good days and bad days.

We aren’t always going to be smiling.

Sometimes we’ll cry and sometimes we’ll feel the weight of those tears in our souls.

And sometimes we take that as a sign that we are broken.

Who ever said that crying was a sign of weakness?

Shame of you.

I see your bottled up feelings, and I raise you a pack of Kleenex.

I’ve cried in front of rooms full of people, and still lived to tell the story.

Who’s tough?

There are things that I thought I would have accomplished by now in my life.

There are places I thought I’d be by now.

25 isn’t exactly the youngest number.

And it isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be.

I don’t know maybe it’s just the time of year that stirs up all of this.

Or maybe it’s something to think about and really figure out.

I know I will always keep striving and going, it’s just that change scares me so much.

Add anxiety, stress and certain insecurities to that and it can be crippling.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back and ask for a re-d0.

Maybe I would have done a few things differently.

But then again, I do think that this is my journey.

It’s unlike anyone else’s and it may not be perfect-

but it was meant to be mine, and no matter how scary and painful the struggles I’ve dealt with may have been, I found a way to overcome them.

And although a work in progress-

I am so much stronger because of them.

If I’ve learned anything from where I’ve been, it’s that I was born to be a success story.

And so are you.

xo

Michelle Leigh

Hang in there my fellow 20-somethings!

New Year, clean slate, make new memories.

 

-<3-

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cloaked in the Night

michelleleighwrites 1 Comment

 

cloaked-in-the-night

A Dark night sky sets in.

A moon high above, so round and bright, wolves would howl at it.

Her healed black booties clicking and clacking against the concrete floor.

The cool fall breeze rustles around her as leaves lift from the floor.

Cloaked figures cast on grassy front porches.

Halloween season is upon the neighborhood.

Witches, spiders, goblins and ghosts.

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.

One figure catches her eye and causes her to double back.

A Skeleton off to the side, his glare steady, cold.

She looks intently on at it, she shudders.

“Creepy,” she huffs to herself, picking up her pace.

She glances around her surroundings, no one in sight.

A deep knot forming in the pit of her stomach.

Was this midnight ice cream run, really that important? She thinks.

Mentally kicking herself, she starts to psych herself out, as every single sound is enhanced.

Leaves.

Wind.

Her own shoes scuffling.

She turns to look behind her…nothing.

She quickens her steps, her destination a mere few blocks away.

Her heart pounding, she feels a brush of air touch her neck.

The overhead street lamp flickers.

She stills.

Slowly turning around, the cloaked skeleton figure that stood just in front of the nearby house- gone.

Her breathing is filled with an intense anxiety and weight.

Turning to look around, her scream rings through the night as the darkness closes around her.

 

*I do not take credit for the images used in my edit.*

-<3-

 

 

 

A Rant & A Poem- Something About Stress

michelleleighwrites Leave a comment

I’m going to vent, because well- I need to. I’ve recently been really stressed out and I saw a décor sign while I was shopping that just fit my situation perfectly.

“You can do anything, but not everything.”

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Holy freaking shit. Excuse the language. But how true is that?

I really wish sometimes that I wasn’t such an anxious, neurotic person. I wish I could just be Zen and chill, and go with the flow. I wish I didn’t have to plan and over think. I wish I didn’t have to constantly feel like a fixer. Oh this looks wrong, let me fix it.

Note to self: Hey Michelle, this actually doesn’t concern you- butt out!

But I am who I am. I do believe people can change, but only so much. Certain lessons and learned habits are just ingrained in our brains. And others are tattooed along the way. I’ve been trying to realize that the fact that I care so much, doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’m an empathetic person and being able to see things from both sides, is a great quality. It’s a human quality. But sometimes having to always see things from other people’s perspectives can really be exhausting. Because quite frankly, I don’t always feel like people give me the same courtesy. But then my soul kicks me in the ass, and I think about what God would do and what he would say. I have a feeling it would go a little like the “Oh so just because they do this, you think its ok for you to do this?” And the truth is no, it’s not ok. But sometimes you just do it anyway. Because you need to. Because your fed up, because you’ve had enough. Because the others shouldn’t be able to get away with it- All. The. Time. Sometimes the tit for tat feeling, feels good. A lot of the times it feels good for a second and then it feels really shitty. I hate it. I like to be liked. I like to make people happy. I hate confrontation. I hate awkward situations and tension. I try to avoid it because it will just add to my anxiety and cause people to see me in a negative light. A light I try so hard to stay far away from. Because let’s be honest, we all care what people think. Some of us more than others. #Guilty. Tit for tat is not my style. I know who I am, and even though sometimes I lose that every now and then, I always find my way back home. The way to my true heart.

Now that I’ve vented and ranted, here’s a poem. 😉   

 

capture-church

I’ve been walking into my church at random times lately, and the stillness and silence is beautiful and calming. It’s a great way to just find your focus and recharge and remember where you came from.

 

Like a tea kettle just before it begins to whistle.

Like nails on a chalk board.

Like a child’s face before they throw themselves into a tantrum.

Like a doormat who has had countless pairs of shoes wiped across it.

Like quicksand.

Like ocean waves- 10 feet high.

Like the tears we cry when we lose our minds.

Like the worst body tension you could ever imagine.

Like a gas bubble that traps itself in your chest.

Like the anxiety you feel in a crowded elevator.

Like the eggshells that break even with the slightest breath.

The want to be everything to everyone.

It’s a failure before it even starts.

Because how much can you give of yourself?

Who is that selfless? Can we be that selfless?

Who is that void of anxiety?

How do we leave sanity for ourselves?

Can I scream into the wind?

Or cry into a pillow?

Can I lift this weight?

Can I cast it up into the air and watch it turn into fairy dust and glitter?

Gold flecks. Everywhere.

Butterflies dancing in my hair.

Can I center my soul?

Breathe deep.

Walk through the broad, merciful, gold doors.

Sit silently still.

Find him, find where he lives in you.

He’s got you. He knows you. He’s with you.

Know your heart.

Know your person.

Act on it.

You got it kid.

Amen.

-<3-

 

“Ughhhhh” – A Monologue

michelleleighwrites Leave a comment

ob-ss885_scream_hv_201204261107431

Do you ever just feel like screaming the words “Fuck you” at the stop of your lungs? No filter. No editing. Bare. Vulnerable. Loud. This life is so unnecessarily stressful, we are pulled every which way. Anxiety a burden. Minds racing to far past our feet. The high road is easier spoken then taken. When hearts become doormats for jealous shoes. When you are asked to simply just deal. And understand. The bigger people get shit on, always. And somehow the world has let that be ok. No… you’re stressing me out. Avoid the stress. When we learn to be adults then maybe this is something we can talk about. Silly things, childish fears. I’d rather not shed you the tears. I am who I am .I do what I do. I have the biggest heart, and it will always shine through. Try to shade me and it won’t work. Your façade is crumbling I see it in the dirt. I walk past and leave a trail of glitter. Because I have no time to spend on the hurt. The pain the sadness the taunting  you’ve created. This experience is now jaded. And now faded I feel. So I will walk away and hope that your heart heals. At the end of the day we can only be responsible for our own actions and whether or not we are adult enough to own them. 

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

-<3-

Dear Future Husband,

michelleleighwrites 4 Comments

When you get to be in your 20’s….it’s easy to feel like time is running out. Here is a letter to my Future Husband, whoever you may be. I have a feeling we’ll be really happy.

marriage-cartoon-proposal1

Dear Future Husband,

I’ve waited forever to meet you.

To see your face so clearly.

To know your heart and your understanding.

To be held in your strong arms.

These words I’ve wanted to say.

I can’t quite explain.

I’ve waited my whole life,

to run to you with my worries and insecurities.

To feel comfortable enough to do just that.

To see you in a suit.

And smell the scent of your after shave and cologne too.

I know it sounds silly, but I dream about you without knowing you.

To stare into your eyes and know true safety.

To tell your mother I think she raised an amazing man.

To bake treats for your family gatherings.

To sit on my couch watching a movie as I lay with my legs draped over yours.

To add you as my plus one.

To have you stand beside me during Sunday mass, in the most beautiful church you’ll ever see.

To let you meet my god daughter and hope you’ll be good friends.

To put you in a room with my crazy, huge family and tell you it’s all going to be ok.

To kiss you at midnight.

To be your Valentine.

To fight with you when I think I’m right.

To have you get down on one knee in front of me as I weep joyfully.

Yes.

I can’t wait to love you all the days of my life.

Love,

Your Future Wife.

P.S. I hope you’re thinking about me.

Because I think it’s about time that we finally meet.

-<3-

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

 

 

 

 

Have you prayed today?

michelleleighwrites Leave a comment

pray-anywhere[1]

LISTEN: Where is the Love?

LISTEN: All you need is Love.

I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why people do terrible things.

I don’t understand how violence has become the norm.

I hate that the quality of life and living have been tainted.

We ask why?

We try to understand.

Is nowhere safe?

You risk your life everyday by leaving your house.

You risk your life by taking public transportation.

…by going to the movies.

…by going to a concert.

…by going to a nightclub.

All things that are normal.

Things that are part of making life worth wild.

Experiences. Memories.

All viciously tainted.

We now live in a world where you can’t trust the stranger sitting next to you.

A world where you are weary and guarded.

Because you have to be.

Because this world has taught you that you need to be.

The violence must stop.

The world is in turmoil.

Security must enhance EVERYWHERE.

It’s sad. But it’s true.

You can’t walk around carelessly anymore.

You can’t trust in humanity.

In strangers or in sense of self and good hearts.

It’s sad. But it’s true.

You never know.

Anyone allowed to carry a weapon should have to undergo a psychiatric test before walking out with one.

People who have such anger in them that they would take the life of others just because they want to, just because they feel like it. They need help. The rage, the hate, the anger, the violence. It needs to stop.

We live in a world where you question bringing new life into it.

You question traveling at night alone.

…dropping your kids off at school.

The world is in turmoil and in these times are law and government going to step up and do something to change things? Can they change things? Will they even try?

Underground illegal actions constantly go untracked.

There is so much we don’t know.

I’m not one for politics, because quite honestly it feels like a popularity contest and they don’t end up doing what they say or are limited as to what they can actually do. If you ask me it’s probably not really even up to us.

But people in positions of power should use it for good. Awareness. Awakening. The time is now. No time like the present. The next president, needs to be the face of change.

The media only makes it worse. The constant reports, I have to turn it off after a while, because my anxiety spikes and if I continue to bury myself in that negativity, I’d never want to leave my house.

We shouldn’t have to fear living life.

In times like this we all turn our heads upwards and ask why?

Even those who don’t always believe.

We may even get angry as to why God let this happen.

There’s free will, and sometimes people abuse that.

While others soar and inspire, some are filled with evil and sin.

And one day their judgement day will come.

God Bless.

Stay Safe.

Hold your loved ones tight.

Forgive.

Leave it to God.

And Pray, pray harder than you ever have.

Pray for the world, pray for peace.

Pray for souls to connect with God again and fill their minds and hearts, with his will and to do the best they can, and be the best they can be to better this world for this generation and many generations to come.

Because this world, this isn’t the world God gave us.

The anger, the hate, the violence, he never instilled that into souls.

We’ve damaged our world, and now we need to fix it.

Have you prayed yet?

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I understand not all people identify with a religion but if you believe there is a greater power out there, then you know what it means to have a connection to something greater than yourself. I only hope you let that energy inspire you to always do good. Your soul deserves nothing less.

*I do not take credit for the image used.*

-<3-